Random thoughts and ideas

Feeling blue

2011-04-05T11:29:00.002-06:00

Well,

This past week has been an interesting one. Miss M has decided that she needs to squeal every time she doesn't get her way. I'm sure it'll pass, it always does, she does something for a week or so then realizes it doesn't make us give in and then she stops. Life with a almost 2 year old I guess.

The biggest thing, and the thing that's making me feel a tad sad is that yesterday was the due date for the baby I lost. If you'd asked hubby when he was due, he'd have no idea as we've both learned from Miss M that due dates are only to calculate gestational age not the date they'll make their appearance. So needless to say this weekend was spent thinking about a lot of "what if's"; What if he'd been born? What would he be like? Who would he look like?

This is made all that much harder by the fact that we've been unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant for a few months. I unfortunately have a former friend who would probably hear that and be thrilled. I say former because she'd once made the comment to me that I shouldn't be so upset about loosing a baby because I already have one. Yeah because children are like sweaters, it doesn't matter if you loose one because you have another one. BS.

Another thing that's driving me crazy is a relative of mine is having a baby and for whatever reason everything to do with her child has been overlapping with our loss. We found out she was pregnant the day I had to have my surgery to remove the 'remains' if you will, the baby is also a boy, the baby shower is the day after the hospital memorial service to bury his ashes.

I really don't know if I can go to the shower. How can I go and be happy about a baby boy the day after I grieve and lay mine to rest. I don't know.

Lie has been a struggle lately, somedays I feel like I'm barely treading water.

May the spring bring rejuvenation to our lives.

Forgiveness

2010-12-13T14:03:00.003-07:00

During this holiday season we are often reminded of the importance to be nice to one another and do good things for each other.

It starts when we are very young with the oh so common comment of "Be good or Santa won't get you any presents this year" and there is always the parental pushing of "Go say you're sorry, and make sure you mean it".

There however is no equivalent as adults, we are never really told to go make nice with those we've wronged, and for all of us who've grown up and learned about the magic of Santa, there's really no threat there.

So why apologize? Why atone for the wrongs we've done? And why bother to forgive those who've wronged us, with or without an apology?

For the Jewish, Yom Kippur, the most holy of all days is just that, a day of atonement. I for one know that I'd love to have a day when all of my sins and regrets from the last year could be forgiven. I however am not of the Jewish faith so it'd be cheating.

So instead I must atone the old fashioned way, by asking for forgiveness and giving it to others when asked.

What however are you to do when you're not the one who needs to do the asking and the question never seems to come?

Gandhi once said: “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

So I'm left forgiving and trying to mend fences despite the fact that I have every right to be angry especially when the silence should be filled with words of atonement.

What of those who say 'I can forgive, but will never forget', how is that really forgiving?

Forgiving is saying I was hurt but am prepared to move forward. To truly forgive, the past has to stay in the past. Thus the forgive but never forget comment is basically implying that one will never forgive.

All I can say is that I'd love to get the apologies I feel I deserve, but I'm not expecting anything. I have already forgiven, I have already moved on.

After all Martin Luther King, Jr. once wrote :“He who is devoid of the power to forgive, is devoid of the power to love.” and I want to be able to love.

Happy Holidays,

Concerts and Condo fees...

2010-11-28T17:29:00.004-07:00

Hubby and I were finally able to go on a date last night, it had been far too long. I guess that's one of those things that happens when you're old and married. LOL We went to the John Butler concert. Oh my, it was so much fun. However, there where times when I did feel old, as the average age at the concert was about 21.

It was interesting because we've seen John Butler before but it was before we were married when we were just dating and I was living in my apartment just outside of the university campus, however the concert was in the same venue. So the whole night I kept remembering things that happened the last time we were there. What a blast from the past.

The concert was awesome. The opening act was really great too, someone I hadn't heard of before, so that was cool. It's always nice to hear new artists.

The whole night just helped me appreciate what a wonderful hubby and best friend I have and how great our marriage is. It's so nice to just have a date night.

.....

For those of you who live in condo townhouses, especially ones with individual front doors had garages, do you ever feel odd just walking past the person working really hard shovelling your driveway?

I mean they're working up a sweat trying to get the snow and ice off of it and so you kinda feel bad, but on the other hand, it's their job and you pay good money to have them do the work. I came home for my lunch break and there was someone cleaning my driveway. I was grateful, especially since my car is usually parked on the driveway so they rarely get to the snow under it, and being as hubby took my vehicle to go pick up the munchkin from babysitting, they were finally able to get to it. So I said hello and went inside. They were gone when I left 20 minutes later but I wondered about the situation.

I guess I'm just one of those people. Just like when I lived alone and had a cleaning lady who would come in once every two weeks. It was fine when I was working in an office because I wasn't there to see her, I'd just leave the money and she had a key, but when I worked from home I always felt I had to go out when she was there, otherwise I'd feel like I needed to help her clean.

I wonder why we feel that way? Is it a sign of our empathy? The fact that we feel if we were in their situation we'd want the help or is a bit of misplaced guilt. The idea that we could be doing the job they are but aren't. On the other hand by not helping or doing the job ourselves we are providing for their livelihood. After all, when seeing a construction crew building your house, in most cases it wouldn't be wise to offer to help.

People...

2010-11-23T08:03:00.002-07:00

Sometimes people drive me crazy.

When people tell other's things while trying to keep things secret from other people. Seriously, if you tell someone, it's probably not going to be a secret for long. Especially if they have alliances with others that are a lot closer than those to you.

We have all these secrets going around at work lately, some you could flat out call backbiting. My stance when it comes to all cases where I genuinely care or like the person either being talked about or having the secret kept from them is to tell them. I really don't like people not knowing what's going on behind their back, especially when it's someone they work closely with that's doing the talking.

As I have said to my boss after hearing a lot of this and talking to him about it, 'I don't know what people were saying about me the week I took off after I lost the baby', he of course assured me that the second they knew why I was away they are all very sensitive, but you never know what people say when the boss isn't standing there.

I also really hate when people meddle in other's business. What they decide to do or not do in their lives is their choice not yours so don't talk about them in a way that slags them. The best thing to do if you don't accept their choices is to just move on and not talk about it with everyone. They obviously made the choice they made, not you. So get over it. Like seriously who cares what job the boss did before this one. His job doesn't define him as a person.

So yes, there has been a lot going on, but as of late I've been standing strong as Switzerland.

Wish me luck, and if you have something you want kept secret from others, don't tell me as I have no problem telling them.

A sigh of relief... Finally

2010-11-21T06:05:00.002-07:00

This weekend has brought some respite for our little family.

On Friday night we got a tenant. It's one of my bosses. She was in the market for a new apartment to rent and I had happened to mention the place to my other boss and he called her immediately and after a few short days poof, we have a tenant. Giant relief for me, that's for sure. She moves in Jan 1st, so we'll see how that works for Christmas, but it's a little less stress.

Yesterday I went winter baby clothes shopping with my mother. It's surprising, well not really, how willing grandparents are to rush out and get clothes for their grandkids as soon as you mention that you might not be able to get the next size up and their pants are getting too short. So now we have a whole wardrobe for our little miss. On the upside she's one of those rare kids who wears the same size for at least 6 months. To put it in perspective, she's 17 months next week and just now starting to outgrow her 6-12 month clothes. If it was summer she'd be in them for a little longer as it's her arms and legs that are getting too long and so it wouldn't be nearly as noticeable in short sleeves and shorts. So now she has a whole bunch of new pants and sweaters and fleece, even a fancy new snowsuit. What a lucky little girl.

Well, I must be off to work. I work the early shift. I grumble about it, but really I'm done early and it goes by fast, so it's not too bad.

Kisses,

When it rains it pours

2010-11-17T20:12:00.003-07:00

So, it would seem that life has thrown us yet another curveball. Our tenants on our rental property have given their notice. So when we would have gotten a rent cheque just before Christmas we now won't.

This has left me in a bit of a state, yes I understand they have every right to move out, it's just the timing that sucks oh so much. So I'm really not sure how we'll afford Christmas this year. One day at a time right?

I'm really not sure how much more of this I can take.

At one point in my life I was quite religious, I had tons of faith. I can say this year, I've really lost it. I'm at the point right now where if there is a divine being, God, capital G or otherwise, I'd really like to kick him in the shins. This year has REALLY sucked. I can honestly say I'm thinking there must not be a divine being because how can someone be so cruel. There has been far too many deaths and losses in my life this year.

I just really really hope 2011 will be better.

Unfortunate turn of events

2010-11-15T23:30:00.004-07:00

Well, life has been a tad crazy as of late.

Just over two weeks ago at about 18 weeks we lost our little baby boy. It's been a tough time and we're taking it one day at a time. But we'll get through and we're starting to look to the future. So all will be well. It's been really nice already having a little one, as this way it's not hard to see people with babies or anything.

It also turns out that I've turned into the "Work Mom" at my part time job. See I've recently started to work evenings and weekends at a coffee shop and in the past couple weeks the other girls have started to come to me for advice, to act as their confidant, etc. It's really quite a compliment. Not to mention my boss has started to ask my opinion on things and talk to me to vent about things that only us over 23 yr olds get, ie Kids up all night, not being able to go out partying after work. We're really starting to develop a friendship.

On another note, it would seem I have a bit of a online follower, that, as far as I'm concerned, is starting to border on cyber stalking. I really hate when people feel the need to get involved/draw attention to other's lives and past choices when it really isn't their place. Yes, I have put stuff online, and yes I know that all can see what I put online. That is a choice I have made, with eyes wide open none the less. I know I make different choices than others, but that's the beauty of being an individual, I get to do what I want to do, not what someone else wants to do, and yes my hubby knows all about my past, we don't have any secrets, heck he was even a reader of my blog before we were married.

I'll just end this post with a quote from Bob Marley as I feel it says it all:

"Who are you to judge the life I live?
I know I'm not perfect
-and I don't live to be-
but before you start pointing fingers...
make sure your hands are clean!"
— Bob Marley

Kisses,

Back to the finger pricking

2010-09-14T14:53:00.002-06:00

Well it would seem that I have diabetes again with this pregnancy just like I did with Maggie.

I've forgiven myself for it because all the new literature makes it very clear that if you have a family history of diabetes you'll more than likely get it no matter what your lifestyle. I've just been lucky enough to only have issues when I'm pregnant so far. Oh well.

In other news Maggie walked 3 steps yesterday. I know it's not tons but it's definitely a start. Way to go Miss Maggie.

He's wishing everyone a happy and healthy Tuesday.

...

2010-09-12T22:26:00.003-06:00

Well today was a mix of frustration and delight.

First off Miss Maggie took some real first steps, not the accidental 'oh no, I'm falling I need to move my feet' type. It was her walking towards me. What an amazing feeling. I'm pretty sure by the end of the week she'll be walking on her own.

I've also been frustrated with some people and some situations in my life as of late, some of it got resolved today, other bits will take a lot more work and some things I feel as if I've been forced to bite my tongue and grin and bear it. It's so frustrating knowing things will never change. Mostly because I can't make people apologize for being who they really are. As really how fair is that. I know I would be pissed if somebody asked me to say I was sorry for who I was. Oh well, I feel things are at the bottom and you can only go up from here. So it WILL get better.

But other than that today was pretty good, went to the Zoo, made a lasagna with my mom, and watched miss Maggie take her first steps.

Hope everyone else is having a good time on this ride called life.

I'm back

2010-09-10T19:45:00.002-06:00

Well I've decided to come back.

I'm sorry I took such a long break, shortly after I made my last post I received a very nasty email from THE ex. Those of you who are long time readers will know who I'm talking about. He said some very cruel things about my pregnancy and as such I knew he had been reading this site and quite frankly I didn't want him to know any more about that wonderful magical time. So I left. I am sorry. I hope you'll all forgive.

I now have a 14 month old beautiful little girl named Maggie. She is the light of my life. She also causes me the most frustration. I'm sure anyone who has kids knows exactly what I mean. You love them so much that they sometimes frustrate you to no end. I'm also currently 10 weeks pregnant with number 2. This one came as quite a surprise as recently my father passed away after suffering a stroke earlier in the year so needless to say we were VERY stressed. We did end up finding out about the pregnancy while my father was in the hospice and with those that I did share the news with it was a very welcome bit of good news during the storm of bad.

I've decided to come back because I'm starting to feel once again that I need an outlet, a place where I can share my feeling and all the crazy happenings in my life right now. I remembered how much I loved writing this blog and how it provided me with so much release. So because of that I'm going to start it up again. The passing of my dad has been very hard on me. He was my hero, the smartest man I knew. I remember as a little girl if I ever had a question I would go and kneel beside his bed and ask. He ALWAYS knew the answer. With his passing I feel I've lost a huge part of my identity.

It's always so humbling to see someone you care so much about wither away in front of you. I'm reminded of a line from the Gilmore girls when Richard Gilmore had his heart attack Lorelai said he looked small laying there. I really know that feeling. To see the man I idolized be reduced to someone who couldn't even feed himself and had to be introduced to my husband because he didn't know who he was.

The thing that helped me be strong is that he always loved seeing Maggie. Even the day he had his stroke he wanted her to sit on his bed so that he could tickle her feet. I'm glad I have so many good memories to tell her.

His service was held on a beautiful saturday in August. The thing that touched me the most was that he had worked as a commissionaire at a police station for about 6 months before his stroke, so hardly a lifetime, but there were at least 10 police officers who came to the service in full uniform. Also everyone at the station had sent a giant bouquet of flowers not only when he got sick but also to the service, and they also took up a collection to get him a dvd player for the hospital and $ for my mom. It meant so much to us. I hope they know just how much it meant. It was so nice to hear them talk about how great my dad was. I will hold that with me forever.

So my life is starting to go back together. Piece by piece, eventually I'll make a whole again. I'm hoping this will help.

Sending love, love, love.

26 weeks

2009-04-23T15:28:00.003-06:00

Wow, I am SOO behind in posting. It's funny how time goes by so quickly sometimes.

This month has been a bit of a nightmare, mostly work related stress. I tend to come home either in tears or just so exhausted that I just sleep. I know this isn't good for me or the baby, so I'm going to talk to my Dr about going on stress leave until she's born then start my Maternity leave. This will work the best for me and hubby as with him being a teacher, he's off all summer so the later I can start my maternity leave the better as he'll be able to be a babysitter when I go back to work.

Just yesterday I also found out I have gestational diabetes. Yippee. Oh well, not the end of the world. Also, this way I'll probably get to see ultrasounds of the baby far more often. The hardest part I have to say was the day I found out. My first thoughts were: OMG, did I eat anything I shouldn't? And What will I eat for lunch? After doing some reading it is getting a lot easier. Also I have a meeting with the gestational diabetes clinic tomorrow when I will get a whole lot more info and will learn to test my blood sugar.

Other than that things are going well, the baby feels like she's doing Riverdance in my belly. I'm half expecting her to come out in a little outfit with plaid socks.

But things are going well, here's hoping the next couple weeks work out well also.

Best wishes to all, and babydust to anyone who needs it.
E

21 weeks

2009-03-18T10:24:00.003-06:00

Sorry for not writing last week. Life has been a bit of a whirlwind.

I'm starting to get really frustrated with how my work is starting to take things off my plate. I totally understand where they're coming from and why they're doing it, but it still sucks. All of a sudden I'm not in the loop with new things as I'll be here for only 3 more months tops, that is if there are no complications. And even though I know why it's happening and I do sorta foresee some complications as my blood pressure is already a bit high and my blood sugar is causing them to do the Diabetes tests early and often, it still sucks.

Other thing that's bothering me is the fact that my assistant is going to be taking over my position while I'm on Mat leave and I know full well that she's not ready. I think my boss is convinced that it'd be too hard to find someone new despite the fact that there are now more people than jobs. The main reason I think she isn't ready is it takes her 2 days to do something I do in an afternoon and she's already struggling with the amount of work I give her and I give her a quarter of what I do and she won't have an assistant. Oh well, not my decision. I'd just love to be a fly on the wall for her first month or two.

But on the upside, hubby is whisking me away for a week next week to get some much needed R&R, and when I get back it's only 13 more weeks till Mat leave, then 17 more weeks till baby.
Hip hip, so it all works out as it should.

Lots of love.
E

19 weeks

2009-03-06T14:45:00.003-07:00

Hi everyone,

Well this was a very stressful week for me at work, but thankfully I got through it and it's the weekend.

As far as baby stuff. We had our ultrasound this week. It was so nice to see her again and see that she has a really strong heartbeat of 157. Very reassuring.

So funny thing, most of her measured 18 weeks 6 days, which was dead on, but somehow our little girl has long legs. Something neither my husband or I posses. Mind you we both have members of our families who were gifted with the gams, but neither of us. So her legs came in at 20 weeks, also when you look at the ultrasound, not that it means anything at this point, but she might have some full lips too. So maybe hubby should start practicing with the shotgun now. lol

But all is well. We're taking off this weekend to stay with some friends in Invermere and we just decided that we're going to take off for spring break as well and hear out to Vancouver as we both need some time away.

So I hope all is well with everyone else and I'll keep you all posted. I have my first obstetrician appointment next week so it should be good.

Love ya,

18 weeks

2009-02-24T15:25:00.002-07:00

Hi all,

Sorry for not posting last week, it wasn't intentional I was just busy with work and such.

Today is a bit of an off day. I felt a little ill yesterday and today I have a bit of eye strain. The biggest problem is that I'm doing what I always seem to do and worry like you would not believe about little Maggie in the few days before I have an ultrasound scheduled.

I'm sure it's mostly because I've been busy today and probably rocked her to sleep. I think I might also be freaking out because over the weekend there was a evening when I was really able to feel her moving around and doing sommersaults and today I'm not feeling that. Be it that she's not as active or maybe in a different position, who knows. Regardless I'm going to be laying down and waiting for her to move pretty much as soon as I finish typing this.

On a lighter note, I went to my first pre-natal yoga class last night. I was great to meet other women in all different stages of pregnancy and see what I can expect. It was also just nice to be able to move and be in tune with my body again like that. I really enjoyed the class.

So I hope everyone is doing well and I'll keep you posted on the Ultrasound on Monday.

Evalee

16 weeks

2009-02-09T13:41:00.002-07:00

Hi everyone,

Well, I'm now 16 weeks along. I'm getting a total baby bump, I'd almost say more of a baby balloon.
We've come to terms with the test results and talked to the genetic counselor and are basically OK with whatever happens as we'll love her no matter what.

A very cool thing happened this weekend, I've found that if I put my hand on my tummy and lightly press down she seems to kick back at me. It's very gentle and almost feels as if someone is lightly tapping you, but definitely there. Very cool.

So our little family is doing great, we have an ultrasound in a few weeks where we get to see her again, and this time she'll look more like our little girl. I'm so excited.

Hope everyone is doing great.
Love ya,
E

15 weeks

2009-02-04T16:40:00.002-07:00

Well we got the results. They're bitter sweet.

It's a little girl. But she partially inherited a gene that could potentially cause her to have learning issues.

So needless to say I'm devastated. I've been crying on and off since we got the news.

We'll of course love her no matter what. But there's just that moment when you realize that your perfect little baby may not be so perfect after all.

The gene she partially inherited is Fragile X, I say partially because what has happened is that she got one totally normal X from my husband but then got a bad X from me, now in most cases if the bad X is going to expand and cause an issue it does it in all the areas where it's present, however in my little girl, in some areas this X has stayed the smaller so a pre-mutation and in other areas it's expanded. So she's what is referred to as mosaic, it's quite rare and there isn't a lot of info on mosaic girls, be that because they don't show symptoms of the disorder or because it doesn't happen often is yet to be seen.

I feel so much guilt for passing this on to my little girl. In some ways I actually feel as if I've already been a bad mother to her.

The silver lining of all this is that in regular full mutation females they only show symptoms 50% of the time, then in the ones that do 50% of them are normal intellectually and only have mild learning disabilities such as a difficulty with math, then the others are somewhere between mild to moderate, so they may need special classes. We meet with the genetic counselor on Friday to find out more but she kinda hinted on the phone that girls in this situation are almost never mentally retarded, as it was only a partial expansion. So we wait to talk to her and then wait to see what happens.

I really don't know what to do with myself, I can't stop crying and worrying that if she does need special help that I won't be able to do a good enough job for her. I realize it's a unrealistic fear as both my husband and his mother have adamantly pointed out that the fact that I even ask the question means that I'll be good.

My husband on the other hand keeps insisting that he's fine with the worst case scenario and so he's just thrilled to be having a daughter. He even went out last night and bought a cake to celebrate naming her.

I am just so scared that she'll be worse than anyone expected and then he'll change his mind or I'll change my mind and it'll end our marriage. Silly I know, but it's a concern.

I think I'm going to start seeing a psychologist so I can get all of these emotions under control before she's born so I won't have to worry about post partum depression.

So that's where things are at, we got the results but we still don't know the answers.

BTW, her name is going to be Margaret (Maggie) Emma, it's both of our great grandmother's names together. Mines was Emma and his was Margaret. We like it. And yes no matter what we'll still love her with all our hearts.

Almost 14 weeks

2009-01-27T15:29:00.002-07:00

Sorry, for not posting for the last little bit. Things have been a tad stressful.

See, on the 15th we had a CVS done on the baby. It's genetic test where they take a bit of the placenta and test the DNA for genetic disorders. This is unfortunately the big test for us. If it goes bad, then there is a serious problem with the baby.
So needless to say, I'm stressed out. I get that there's between a 14 - 25% chance that there's anything wrong and that's really low, but it's still a chance. As such, I've been very emotional and as an unfortunate side effect I've been resisting the urge to bond with the baby, just in case.

The worst part is that my sister in-law is also pregnant and she's 19 weeks, so everything is all fine and happy with them. I just really resent it, and I really hate going to see them right now knowing full well that there is a 14 - 25% chance that our baby will have a problem that will make it so that it won't survive.

So for the next week and a half we just wait for the results. Wait and cross our fingers. If anyone is reading this, can you please cross your fingers for us too. Maybe the more people hoping for us will help our case with the powers that be.

11 weeks - 29 to go

2009-01-07T13:32:00.002-07:00

Hi everyone,

Well things are going well. I've discovered the joy of going to see the chiropractor. As it turns out my hips weren't moving properly and that would have caused huge problems when the time came to deliver little embie. So I've been getting regular adjustments to fix that well he's been adjusting my neck to help with the morning sickness. I must say I'm not going to give up my anti nauseants just yet.

This stage is very surreal as some days I swear I can feel the baby move around but everything says I shouldn't be able to feel it yet. So who knows. Mind you I am the same woman who can feel when I ovulate every month so maybe I'm quite in tune with my body.

It is getting harder to get a full night's sleep, I seem to wake up at least once to go to the bathroom and a few times to roll over. Who knew that something so small inside me could affect me this early.

Our genetic test has been bumped to next week, they said they're getting more accurate results from 12 weeks vs 11 so even though I was all phyched to do it this week, I'm stuck waiting one more. Oh well. The test itself doesn't scare me, it's the results and the bed rest I have to on for 3 days after it's done. That will suck.

So there's my update for this week, pretty uneventful.

Here's wishing everyone a wonderful week.

Hugs and kisses E

Almost 10 weeks

2008-12-28T10:44:00.002-07:00

Hi all,

Well I'm almost 10 weeks along, only 30 more to go.

We're starting to tell people now, which is very exciting. Although we have to have some genetic testing done on the bambino to make sure it's developing as it should as unfortunately I carry a gene that could affect that.

That part REALLY sucks. As right now I have this little person growing inside me and not until I have the tests done will I know if it'll be ok and if I'll actually be able to carry it to term. Oh well. As such I'm trying to not get TOO attached. Unfortunately however, my regular clothes are getting a little too snug and uncomfortable so today for the very first time I'm in maternity jeans. Much more comfortable, although I feel a bit like a fraud as my belly isn't big enough to be in these yet it's getting too big to be in regular clothes. oh well.

Well I should get back, I'm just cleaning the house. But I wish everyone a happy holiday season and I hope that everyone who is trying to get pregnant does.

Here's to a happy 2009.

Love E.

Almost 8 weeks

2008-12-15T13:43:00.003-07:00

Well, last week we went for our very first ultrasound. The 'baby' measured in at 7 Weeks 1 day, so I was dead on with the dates. Despite my last period only being 6 weeks 4 days ago.

It looks a lot more like a little blob rather than a baby.

The funny thing is, and this shows that my husband is the eternal realist, it seems when people see the ultrasound they tend to do the 'aww, so cute' to which my husband always replies, 'it's just a blob, how can it be cute?'

Oh well, I love him anyway. LOL

The whole thing is still very surreal as yes, we saw the heartbeat, it was very strong for it's 7 weeks, but it's still odd to think I have this little person growing inside me. Oh well, I'm sure in few months when I start to feel it kick it'll feel more like I'm in on of the Alien movies. So I should probably just enjoy it while I can.

6 weeks down 34 to go

2008-12-05T14:32:00.002-07:00

Well as of wednesday I am officicially 6 weeks pregnant.
It's been very wild. The morning sickness has gotten worse and become anytime of the day sickness, I'm ready for a nap by 2 pm. Along with many other delights.

The scaryest part is that no matter how many times you read that something is perfectly normal like light cramping, as long as it doesn't go along with bleeding or spotting, it's still very un-nerving. As such I have an ultrasound scheduled for Thursday afternoon. It'll be 7 weeks so we should be able to 'hear' the heartbeat, more like see it, and we should be able to see our little 'embie' (We've gone and nicknamed it Embie for now)

I am so scared of miscarrying that everytime I go to the bathroom I double check. I think it's a product of reading too many things online. As, yes it's a 15 -25% chance but it's an 75 - 85% chance everything will be fine. I think the biggest problem has to do with just how many people there are online. That even if something was to happen 1% of the time there is still thousands of people to create webpages and be in message boards to talk about it. I'm also scared to death that the ultrasound will reveal that there's no baby, just an empty sac, known as a blighted ovum, as this happens in 50% of all miscarriages. Yeah I know 50% of 15-25%, so 7.5 -12.5% of the time. I know I'm paranoid, but I'll know more after thursday. I promise if everything comes back normal on Thursday then I'm done over researching everything and am just going to enjoy my pregnancy, every cramp, and burp of it.

But for now, I'm crossing my fingers.
E

BFP

2008-11-26T11:29:00.002-07:00

Well I guess I should update everyone after my last post. I did go home that night and take a test, and it was positive!!!!

So yeah, I'm expecting. Hip hip.

I've already had my first Dr's appointment, had what will probably be the first of many viles of blood drawn, uggg. And I still feel sick. :( Oh well.

So I thought I'd update.

I'll keep you all posted.
E

15 dpo and counting

2008-11-19T10:52:00.004-07:00

Well I'm officially 15 dpo, I haven't taken a test yet because I figured I'd wait it out until AF was actually late. So pretty much if she doesn't show up today I'll be testing in the morning. Talk about a stressful day. I've already ran to the bathroom about 6 times just to double check and every tummy twinge makes me think it's over.

I will say though, the only good thing about her showing would be that my bbs would no longer be sore and the nausea would go away.

I keep telling hubby everything I'm going through and he keeps insisting that he doesn't want to get his hopes up so he doesn't want to know.

I will say though my body sure does like to play tricks if I'm not preggo, here are my symptoms:

My bbs are killing me, not so much sore to the touch but I'm VERY aware that they're there.

I've thrown up or almost thrown up 3 times in the last week, but have been nauseated every day
I wake up tired everyday
I've started crying and getting upset at stupid things
One big thing is the lack of spotting and cramping yesterday, usually I get both the day before but not this month.
Oh and the heartburn and gas, ugggg, sorry TMI

I've been charting and it went VERY noticeably triphasic, (first time ever) See below. Any insight would be appreciated.

Thanks. Cross your fingers for me.

Unfair

2008-11-06T08:00:00.004-07:00

Hi everyone,

Well, I've decided to finally share this as it's causing me a lot of stress and maybe someone can offer advice to help.

Me and hubby have decided to start trying for a baby, we're only on the third cycle now but I'm already worrying that it might not happen. No real reason why, kinda just the way I am. Just like last year when I applied to get into a very exclusive post secondary design program. The program only accepts 50 people out of the hundreds of applications they get every year. I was so convinced I wasn't going to get in that I almost didn't go to my interview. Well low and behold, I got in, in the very first round. Needless to say I got offered a job I couldn't refuse at the same time but it was a giant complement to be accepted that readily.

So this is kinda why I'm feeling the way I am. Yes I get that most people don't get preg for a few months, but it's an excruciating wait. I've even gone so far as to looking into how much fertility treatments cost.

Also, to make maters worse, there is a woman I work quite closely with at work who's pregnant with twins, and she keeps bugging me saying the regular "When are you having kids?" "I bet you're pregnant already and aren't telling us" then the one that hurt the worst "We got pregnant on the very first try, I'm sure you will too". How do I tell her... Yeah, um we've been trying for a little while and nothing.

I guess it's just my life for the next little while, taking my temperature everyday and crossing my fingers.

So any support anyone can give me would be much appreciated.

Thanks,

Hitched etc.

2008-10-13T16:42:00.005-06:00

Hi everyone,

Well we got hitched on August 15. It went wonderfully.

The weather was wonderful, my only complaint is that it could have been 5-10 degrees cooler. So really there's nothing to complain about.

It was a beautiful evening ceremony, we had it outside on the banks of Hector lake, the mountains in the background. I walked down a red carpet to an archway.

There we're about 100 guests, small enough to talk to everyone, large enough to have all of our fave people.

It was truly amazing. Couldn't have asked for anything nicer.

It's now been 2 months. We're still married.... tee hee

Lots has happened in the last couple months. We bought a bigger place, a townhouse, so it's double the size of our current condo and it'll have a yard an everything. And of course plenty of room for little ones.... tee hee.

I'll keep you posted on it.

Here's hoping everyone is having a happy and loving thanksgiving or Columbus day.

Love Ev

8 days

2008-08-06T17:16:00.002-06:00

Hi everyone,

well it's only 8 little days until the wedding. Crazy.
Not too big of a deal though, we have all the big things taken care of, the dress the marriage commissioner, the venue, food etc. Now it's just the little things like seating charts etc.

It's been a bit of a roller coaster. I don't think you can truly understand unless you've been married. There are so many emotions you go through, the loss of your life as a single, your becoming a 'we', and people start acting different. Your single friends don't call as much because they don't want to be reminded that they're single. Then there are all the friends who are in relationships. I can't tell you how many people have said "Congrats, now if only I can get X to propose" or "Oh, you were engaged after 8 months, we'll I've been with X for 8 years and still no ring". How do you even respond to that?

All in all I'm thrilled. I'm marrying the most perfect man for me in the whole world. I can't believe I even thought of spending my life with my ex. I guess I saved a divorce lawyer a lot of time.

That's really what it comes down to. I can't imagine not waking up next to Andrew for the rest of my life. I am truly happy.

Love E

P.S. I'll be sure to post pics.

Put a smile on my face why don't ya...

2008-06-23T17:23:00.004-06:00

Hi everyone,

Wow, I've gotten really bad at this blogging thing.

I remember when I was with my ex and I blogged constantly. I think one of the reasons was because I was being emotionally abused and neglected and blogging helped my self esteem. Also all the numerous comments and cheers I would get from fellow bloggers really helped to pull me out.

However, on to better things. I'm getting MARRIED. It's less than 2 months until my wedding, we're getting hitched on Aug 15. I'm just a tad stressed, said with sarcasm of course. But i think it'll be great, I'm REALLY happy.

Now for the real reason for this post. I'll gush about the wedding later I promise. I got an e-mail today from a young man giving me an amazing complement. He said he reads my blog and is absolutely in love with my calves. tee hee. I love it. It made me feel so good. So thank you.

I have to run to meet hubby, but I'm going to try to post more often. Might be a tad hard soon as on Saturday I'm going to be for a 3 week vacation. Odd timing I know. Ahh well.

Talk to you all soon.
Kisses, E

Update

2008-03-30T00:39:00.003-06:00

Hey everyone,

Well here's my news for the next little bit.

I'm moving in with Andrew. I'm super excited. We move into the Brand New place on May first, and when I say Brand New I don't mean new to us, it was just built. So Brand new condo that we get to make into our home. I'm totally in love.

I'm possibly, depending on how well my portfolio will be received, quitting work and going back to school full time to do web design. Hip hip.

And I guess those are the big things. Mind you they are huge ones.

I hope I didn't make too may people worry with my lack of posting. I'll try to be better.

Kisses,
E

My moon my man....

2007-12-28T20:43:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone,

I know it's been forever since I've written anything on here. I feel bad about that and I'm sorry. The last few months have been kinda crazy, both good and bad.
My aunt was diagnosed with cancer in September and passed away on the 20th of December. Today was her funeral. Losing a loved one really makes you question life and how quickly everything can change.
On the positive side, back in September as well, I met the most amazing man. He has truly been my rock. I'm just dying to tell him how I feel and say those 3 little words but am holding back and waiting for him to say it first. He makes me so happy. And not the fleeting, he's kinda good in the sack so I'll stick in there kind of happy like I've been in the past, but rather that deep down, knowing he'll be there for me if I ever need him and wanting to do anything so he'll know how special he is kind of happy.
It's been an odd couple years, lots of ups and downs. Lots of heartache and joys. I'm starting to see how everything fits together.
My sister pointed out an interesting thing to me the other day; she said "You realize if you hadn't been with Neil(The ex), you probably would have ended up with someone else and would have never met Andrew(The current)." Then also at the funeral today my aunt's pastor mentioned that she had said to him that she wondered if God made her sick so that her family could be closer. It was really sad but helped to put everything into perspective and helped me to see once again how everything happens for a reason.

So all in all there have been ups and downs, but when isn't there in this life?

Happy new year to all.
Kisses Ev

BTW, me and my man....

Blank Canvas HNT

2007-06-13T20:25:00.001-06:00

This is my blank canvas, some days I leave it that way, others I add all the colours my mind can imagine. Oh the possibilities.

New me HNT

2007-06-06T21:41:00.000-06:00

A lot has changed in my little world recently, a change in jobs, I cut my hair, I have a wonderful guy. Everything is looking up so i've now decided to come back to HNT. So here I am.

I find this interesting

2007-05-09T16:12:00.000-06:00

I was recently doing some reading on memory and how people often need others to remember certain events. It's not that we can't remember them on our own, but with as much information as we receive and are forced to sort through on a daily basis we can't possibly do it all alone. So our brains have formulated a way for us to remember everything. In turn we don't remember EVERYONE we know's phone number, but we know where to go to find it.

There is however a strong correlation between couples and having a somewhat combined memory. This seems to come in to play quite often with one part of the couple being the one who plans the schedule and the other taking care of household things.
They even did a study of couples who had been together longer than 3 months; some of the couples were kept together and some were split up and paired with someone else. They were then given paragraphs to read and remember. The couples who were together remembered twice as much as the groups of people who had never met.

Until recently I'd always been the more responsible one in the relationship, thus the one who paid the bills, kept the schedule, remembered all the b-days, so when reading this I nod my head affirmatively and understand exactly where the author is coming from.

It is said that this is why breakups are so hard on people, not only are you loosing the companionship, but you're also losing those stored memories. Maybe this is yet another reason humans are meant to live in groups and partnerships. hmmmm.

I love this video.

2007-05-01T23:12:00.000-06:00

So happy

2007-04-30T00:46:00.000-06:00

I just wanted to tell all of you who have been reading me for the last little while that I am SO happy. I'm with an amazing man, he makes me laugh, makes me smile, and just lets me know how much he cares.
It's a fantastic feeling.

E

My confusion

2007-04-18T22:44:00.000-06:00

Hi everyone,

I hate how people from your past can ruin you for the wonderful people of the present or future. I recently met the most amazing man, he is so wonderful to me and treats me like a princess.

I am so scared that I'm going to push him away because I have no idea what it's like to be in a normal relationship. When I was with my ex, it was almost like clockwork, things would get to that comfortable stage where it turns from the fluttery relationship to the deeper one and not a week or so later would he start telling me about how he fell out of love with me and he was having the fluttery feelings for someone else. Then somehow we'd work through it and things would be fluttery for him with me again and the cycle would repeat itself. This went on for 3 yrs until I finally moved out.
So now I am scared to death that now that things are getting comfortable with Brad (that's his name for those of you who asked) that it's going to happen all over again, but of course without the wandering eye as Brad is WAY too good to ever do that. So there's part of me that wants to back away and give him his space cause that's what would work with the ex, but I really like him and don't want him to think that I don't want to be with him.

I'm so confused, I think my past has left me broken. Help.

For all of us who think facebook is the new crack...

2007-04-13T12:52:00.000-06:00

This is fun

2007-04-09T13:22:00.000-06:00

My Celebrity Look-alikes

2007-04-03T01:29:00.001-06:00

My cool celebrity look-alike collage from MyHeritage.com. Get one for yourself.

Stories from my life

2007-04-01T12:08:00.000-06:00

This has been one crazy week, not just because I've been so busy but also with some things have have happened.

We launched our province wide campaign to target the stigma that surrounds mental illness. You can check out the website and through there see the TV spots here: www.mymentalhealth.ca
Then on Friday I saw my ex Neil. What a sad story. It's really sad that he feels the need to tell me about all his sexual conquests and all the women in his life. Yes, because that's supposed to make me jealous that you're sleeping with a bunch of women you barely know. And poor me, I'm only intimate with one man I care about rather than a bunch that I don't. lol. Sorry for the bitterness everyone, I just thought he was a tad brash.

Then after that oh so lovely incident I went to get the oil in my car changed and it turns out the place forgot to tighten the filter so all the oil leaked out and my car stalled, luckily I was near another location of the same place so they fixed it up. However I'm still taking the car to the mechanic to see if there's any damage. So now I feel a bit like that friend of a friend that someone once knew.

Had a wonderful evening with my sweetie, he's so awesome, he spoils me rotten, it's great.

But I must be off, I have to head to my lovely job for the day then who knows...

Kisses, E

I must have done something right

2007-03-25T20:55:00.000-06:00

It would seem I've aroused some intrigue with my last post. Well, after chatting with the man in question, you know who you are... lol, it has been decided that we're going to start telling people. So as I often do, I go big and I tell EVERYONE.
I've met the most amazing man, he's sweet, sensitive, incredibly caring and generous, and truly genuine. He makes me laugh and I don't think I've smiled that much in years.

I guess that's what happens when you stop looking. I'd almost given up completely, beginning to think Ophelia must have been a 26yr old single woman when Hamlet uttered those famed words "get thee to a nunnery"; well not really, but it makes for a better story. All I can say is about a month ago I wasn't looking but I met someone wonderful and I'm enjoying exploring this crazy journey of ours. I'm happier then I've been in years, AND we both speak mac, lol. (We're both designers, lol.)

Well, I'll keep you all posted.
Kisses,
Ev

....

2007-03-23T07:44:00.001-06:00

I'm completely and utterly smitten!!!!

Slow dancing in a burning room

2007-03-17T19:28:00.000-06:00

Hello,

Yes, I'm still around and I'm quite ok. I've gotten a couple e-mails from people noticing I haven't posted in a while and checking in on me. Thank you.

Things have become quite busy in my little life in both good ways and not so good.
I'm re-considering friendships because they don't seem to fit me anymore. I think I've outgrown some people in my life, and on the flip side I've grown into a whole new set of circumstances. I'm finding it quite intriguing to look at where I was 6 months ago and where I am today.

I think this a good place for me to share all the things I'm so thankful for;

Having a wonderful place to live; a place that feels more and more like me every day.
My two wonderful kitties that wake me up with snuggles and kisses.
My family who stuck by me during what seems to have been the hardest thing I ever had to do.
Having someone I can call and tell all the good and the bad and have them support me.
Friends who even if I don't talk to them for a couple months still greet me with kisses.
Earlobe hickeys.
Being whisked away so I didn't have to think about what was supposed to be on Feb 24.
Friends I can be silly with - "Oh My"
mac - need I say more.
Bowling with the wrong fingers.

Amongst MANY MANY other things. Here's hoping the next 6 months will be as enlightening.

4/365

2007-03-07T22:01:00.000-07:00

"It's as simple as something that nobody knows, but her eyes are as big as her bubbly toes..." Jack Johnson

My fave new boots have let me down and given me a blister on my big toe.

3/365

2007-03-07T00:19:00.000-07:00

I'm a mac...
I work as a graphic designer so it's really the only way to go.

2/365

2007-03-05T20:06:00.000-07:00

I've had quite a few very late nights at work as of recent. Some days I feel like I may as well bring a sleeping bag.

1/365

2007-03-04T22:18:00.000-07:00

This is my first post in the 365days series. This has been going on on flickr for quite a while and I've decided to give it a try. So here's day 1, just out of the shower, not a stitch of makeup.
Be sure to take a look at my flickr page to keep up to date on this project.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/razberrykiss/

Creepy Candy...

2007-03-04T09:03:00.000-07:00

Here's a couple pics of some odd looking candies I've come across.

<----The licorice Aliens (Licorice kids) just hanging out. Yo! Lol

Chocolate Ju jube bunnies? ------->
Who knew? BTW they tasted like icing, and there's nothing like a candy where in a 39g serving you get 24g of sugar. But you do get 2% of your daily iron and calcium. Blah.

Post #100, the good, the bad and the sometimes ugly

2007-03-03T19:18:00.000-07:00

*******Update********
12:48am-
I spent the evening with a couple of very close friends and after spending a night laughing things feel a lot better. There's still a lot going through my head but it's nice to get a break. Thanks guys.

*****Original post*****
Well this is my 100th post.

You're probably all expecting celebratory cheers and such, but not today. Sorry.

Sometimes in an effort to make yourself look stronger you put on a tough front, you tell the world that everything is great and that you're so extremely happy that they should all hope to be like you one day. However, deep inside you're not ok.

Someone new and special in my life (TS) asked me the other day if I was lonely, of course I brushed it off and was like "nah, I'm fine", but I got to thinking about what he asked and yeah I am. There's really nothing like silence to get you thinking about what's missing in your life. I know things are really good for me compared to some.
Poor TS has problems I just wish I could brush away and make everything better.

My ex is in rehab for an addiction that took over his life and I found out that it almost ended it.

There are people starving, people in much worse situations than me.

So why is it then that I'm throwing my very own pity party? I don't know the answer to that. Probably just because I was canceled on twice today, so I'm feeling a tad rejected.
I just hope things get better soon.

I've been saying this all along...

2007-02-28T21:22:00.000-07:00

I recently found this and I totally agree. BTW I'm a Caramel Mocha Girl...

What Your Coffee Says about You

Espresso: There's no time like the present, and there's no time to waste! The espresso drinker has a dynamic mind, and always has 101 things on the go. Make that 102.

Black: The black drinker likes a simple, uncomplicated life. They are aware of the world around them and have no trouble forming opinions -- or letting you know about them!

Café Latte: Rest and relaxation are two very important things in the life of a latte drinker. They like to take time over major decisions, preferring to watch the world go by than rush into things.

Cappuccino: The cappuccino drinker is a reliable friend who's always there in times of need. They comfort, reassure and help put things in perspective when we lose sight of the big picture.

Café Mocha: Fans of the café mocha are sometimes indecisive. They love to indulge in life's small pleasures and don't like to compromise when it comes to their individuality.

MEME

2007-02-26T20:15:00.000-07:00

Stole this from OS,

The rules are simple. Answer each question in three words. No more, no less.

1. Where is your cell phone? In my purse
2. Boyfriend/girlfriend? Don’t have one
3. Hair? Blond, but red
4. Your mother? Sweet and loving
5. Your father? Gentle yet stern
6. Your favorite item(s)? Cellphone, ipod, minimac
7. Your dream last night? Tired, no dreams
8. Your favorite drink? Pitcher of belinis
9. Your dream guy/girl? My Mr Right
10. The room you are in? busy, noisy, home
11. Your fear? Nightime break in
12. What do you want to be in 10 years? Successful, power woman
13. Who did you hang out with last night? Best friend Rob
14. What are you not? Skinny, male, married
15. Are you in love? Once I was
16. One of your wish list items? Finding a man
17. What time is it? 8 o’clock PM
18. The last thing you did? Typed this post
19. What are you wearing? Boots, black pants
20. Your favorite book? George Orwell’s 1984
21. The last thing you ate? Pasta I made
22. Your life? Eager to start
23. Your mood? Pensive, optimistic, tired
24. Your friends? Loving, caring, supportive
25. What are you thinking about right now? Too much work
26. Your car? Old VW Jetta
27. What are you doing at this moment? Working, stressing, procrastinating
28. Your summer? Coming too slow
29. Your relationship status? Single and looking
30. What is on your TV screen? It’s not on
31. When is the last time you laughed? This last weekend
32. Last time you cried? When it ended
33. School? University of Calgary

Timing

2007-02-18T09:35:00.000-07:00

In life it's often said that timing is everything, you get lucky and get the job you wanted cause everything went just as planned the day of the interview. You were in that car accident cause 'had you only been one second later..."

My life was recently the victim of bad timing. On Wed night (yes valentines day) I met the most amazing man, we clicked on every level. Smart, funny, goals, there was even that elusive butterfly feeling. We talked for 4 hrs and decided that we should take this up the next night over drinks and dessert. That went famously and we sorta found ourselves making out like teenagers. Sounds great doesn't it. Perfect fairy tale. But here's where the bad timing comes in. Something from his past (not going into details as they're not mine to share) came up and we came to the conclusion that it's not a good time to bring someone new in. So that's the end of that, we talked for a little bit and realized that yeah we totally get each other just the timing really sucks. He thanked me for being so understanding, but I don't see how I could have been any other way, it wasn't his fault. We've all had bad breakups where the other person decides to mess things up for you just one last time months later. So for now we parted ways, I told him to give me a call when things settle down, but we'll have to wait and see.

Will the timing ever line up just right for me?

Where things are...

2007-02-11T21:16:00.000-07:00

Today was a little rough as I'm sure the next 2 weeks will be as well, yet somehow I kept a smile on my face the whole time... sorta.

Here's the deal, for those of you who don't know, I was supposed to be getting married in two weeks. The short version is it didn't work out. I'm better off without him and he's better off without me, so we parted ways. Those of you who know the real story and stood by me while it unfolded will say I'm being far too kind, but I'd rather look at it that way, it hurts a lot less to think we just weren't right for each other.

I'm not going to go on and on about how sad I am that it's not going to be my wedding day soon, cause I'm really not that upset about it. I've done my grieving and moved on. I just hate that look I keep getting from people when they remember what was supposed to be happening then I tell them it's not. I suppose I'm really partially to blame for that. When Neil and I ended it I changed EVERYTHING in my life, I moved, I changed jobs, I stopped talking to people I knew while he and I were together. Yes, it helped me feel a million times better, but now I guess I'm dealing with the aftermath.

You may be asking yourself why I can be as positive as I am. Well let me tell ya. It's cause I know that one of these days I'll get a break. I've put up with so much shit in the last three years that I'm bound to get lucky soon.

I've also met some really awesome people lately, I'm enjoying the new friendships and treasuring the few but wonderful old ones that despite my trying to change everything found a way to stay with me cause they saw something worth saving, for that I am forever thankful.

I love you all,
Eva

My dating personal...

2007-02-03T23:23:00.000-07:00

Well I've decided to try this, I'm currently single and looking, I'm not looking for a fling or a one nighter but rather a relationship... so please don't message me if you're just looking for sex. Well here goes:

I'm 26, I work for a non-profit doing communications, love my job, it's very rewarding. It's nice to go home and know you made a difference. Kinda sappy I know... Sometimes a girl needs to be a bit of a dork.

I'm a independent woman, I live alone with my two cats and enjoy my quiet time; that way nobody can complain when I sing along to the radio, but would like to find someone to have a few laughs with... singing is optional. lol

As far as what I'm looking for in a man, I like a man with a good sense of humor, intelligence, adventurous, confident, handsome, as well as many other qualities. Please send a picture, you get to see me, so it's only fair. Also I love the kind of guy who likes to wear khakis or jeans and a ball cap on the weekends but dresses nice mon- fri. (Only men between 28-35 please)

I enjoy spending time outdoors hiking and skiing as well as cuddled up watching a movie with a glass of wine. I'm willing to try anything once, I actually used to write in the Calgary Sun about all my adventures with new sports and such. So pretty much I've done everything from driving a rally car to fencing and learning to snowboard (That ended with me giggling in the snow after falling off the chair lift, lol). I can totally laugh at myself and like when others can laugh at themselves as well.
I'd really love to find a versatile guy who likes to spend time out as well as a quiet night at home.

Most important of all, if you can make me laugh and bring something to the conversation you've got my attention.

So drop me a line if your interested. (razberrykiss@gmail.com)

Kisses. Evalee

Muscular Calves

2007-01-31T22:40:00.000-07:00

Part 2 of my series... I love my calves, yet they're quite muscular.

Updates

2007-01-28T10:58:00.000-07:00

I decided since most of my recent posts have just been about HNT I should write a little update post if you will.

Things are going great for me, I've been super crazy busy, almost all of which is self imposed.

I'm in the middle of reading an awesome book... "The tipping point" It's about social connectivity and how it affects marketing trends and other epidemics. I suggest you all go read it. And for those of you who already have, yes I realize I'm a total 'maven', I do this with everything not just my blog life.

The next thing is I recently bought the coolest cellphone, it has every feature I ever thought I wanted and some I didn't know I wanted. Just an FYI, last HNT was taken with my 2mgp camera phone. Tee hee. Also it's gold, so I like it.

My third and final thing is I'm discovering that men aren't too bad. I went on a really great date on Friday, he was a total gentleman, we went to a movie, and he called the next day. How nice is that? (Yes Os, I know when you were my age men called no matter what, I wish it was still like that)
I've also been talking to a few more men that like women with a 'bit of meat on their bones', it's really nice to hear that men in their late 20's early 30's are more open to girls like me as I'll never look like a supermodel but I make a damn great girlfriend.

Well I must be off but I'm going to try to post more often.
Kisses, Evalee

Pink toes

2007-01-24T23:43:00.000-07:00

For those of you who know me, you'll know that I only own one piece of pink clothing; a shirt, and it's even almost red. I however almost always have bright pink toenails.
I've also decided to do bit of my body, piece by piece and where better to start than my tootsies. So here they are, enjoy.

A post that's not just for me...

2007-01-13T19:39:00.000-07:00

After many calls unanswered and awkward e- mails I recently decided it was time I swallowed my pride and had a conversation with Neil (for those of you who don't know, he's my ex fiance). It seems EVERYTHING has changed for him. Don't worry guys I'm not being all sappy and thinking of getting back together with him.

I just have a really hard time blocking someone out of my life if they get up the courage to apologize for things that are almost unforgivable. Especially the person I'd at one time thought would be my one and only.

From time to time people build up the courage to change everything in their lives, be it they hit rock bottom or just get tired of feeling a certain way and they feel they need to atone for all the jerky things they had done. This was one of those conversations.

I know a lot of you read my posts over the last few months and get that I was at a point where I almost gave everything up and I've gotten to a point a few times where I just had to change everything. So, I understand to a certain extent when he says he just needed to change everything.

I don't want to go into too much detail about what happened as far as the steps that lead up to this point or how far he went when he hit rock bottom. (The lesson to be learned is if you live with someone as a 'roommate' and are sleeping with them it's really not a secret that can be kept for very long as emotions get thrown into the mix, especially if this was after they'd just lost the person they were supposed to spend their life with.) Those of you who are in the need to know about this situation already know everything so there's no point in re-hashing.

Let's just say that we were both sitting on the phone crying to each other, and for the first time in years I actually believed what he was saying about feeling sorry and trying to make things right with me. I also hate to admit it, but I actually felt a bit of sympathy for all the crap he went through after I moved out and over the last couple months. Don't worry, I just said a bit, not a lot.

He had made a point to me and to the other person involved that he didn't ask me to marry him to make anyone jealous but rather because he thought he had everything and I was a part of that. Those were the words I really needed to hear, I had spent so much time hating him for that.

He also said that he really wanted to make a big gesture to show me just how sorry he is. There's part of my that still wants that grand gesture, I still want to feel he went out of his way for me as I spent far too long ignoring his philandering and his anger issues. However, the fact that he's going the extra mile to make things better, no, not just the calling, he's actually in rehab and counseling, those make up for a lot of the crap I had to deal with.

Well, I just wanted you to all know that Neil is trying very hard to make things better. I know I've spent a lot of time griping but I think it's time I put that aside and recognize that he's trying to make a better life for himself and I hope you all do too.

He might not yet be one of the good guys, but I've come to see that he's gotten to be one of the not all bad guys.

Best of luck Neil.

-Evalee

Crazy...

2007-01-09T23:55:00.000-07:00

So much running thought my head.
Why do people have to call to make themselves feel better when it makes me feel worse? How is that fair.

Grrrr.

Mmmm, I guess I'm a good kisser...

2007-01-03T13:37:00.000-07:00

Your Kissing Technique Is: Perfect

Your kissing technique is amazing - and you know it.
You have the confidence to make the first move.
And you always seem to know what kissing style is going to work best.
Sometimes you're passionate, sometimes you're a tease. And you're always amazing!

Are You a Good Kisser?

Christmas cheer and jeers...

2006-12-24T14:24:00.000-07:00

Well, some of you already know that I've pretty much been the Christmas grinch this year, I don't hate the holiday or anything, It's a great holiday. It just really sucks when you're newly single and having regrets for things that happened during your last relationship.

While my sins weren't the straws that broke the camels back, I'm sure they affected the over all relationship. Kinda like that age old butterfly analogy... You know the whole ripple effect thing.

This leaves me wondering if I actually deserve to have a decent normal relationship, you know the ones where you go on a few dates, then there's a bit of kissing, and it slowly progresses to bliss. I think I may have tainted my whole life, even if I do meet my prince, I'll still have to one day fess up to all the relationship misdemeanors I've committed over the course of the last 5 yrs.

Is there a way to atone for the dating crimes we commit? A way to wipe the slate clean?

My life and Sex and the City...

2006-12-19T10:56:00.000-07:00

I was having a conversation with some friends the other day, (We formed a 'singles support group', basically an excuse to drink). We were talking about how the lives of singles relate to Sex and the City, and suggested that the guys in the group rent the DVDs and watch them.

This got me thinking, my life has really been a lot like that of Carrie:

I have my Mr Big, that irresistible man who I've fallen head over heels for and would drop everything for, but isn't able to make a commitment to me. Yet every time I try to end things he says the right thing to keep me around.

I almost married my Aidan, the sweet homebody type guy, who would prefer to live in the mountains than in the city, yet I always knew I could do much better, but for a while I settled.

For those of you who watch the show, you'll understand when I say that quite a few of plot twists and turns that relate to the three of them have happened to me over the last while.

Also I used to work as a columnist, and now I work in communications, but still quite similar.

I guess if my life is destined to follow the show I now need to find my Russian Artist who can sweep me off my feet and move me to Paris only to have my Mr Big follow me. I guess we'll see.

I just found it odd how similar my life is... I guess life imitates art.

The best and the worst

2006-12-17T18:44:00.000-07:00

Here's a listing of the 10 best things about my being single and living alone

I can go out with whoever I want
I can stay out as late as I want
Don't have to worry about what someone else likes food-wise
I can spend my mornings naked
Rent any movie I want
Watch the shows I want and not have to compete with a PS2
Nobody else is spending my $
Decorate however I want
I can see different men in the same week
I have a lot more $ now that I'm not paying anyone else bills

Here's a listing of the 10 worst things about my being single and living alone

I have to clean up my own messes
There's no chance I'll have dinner waiting for me
Sometimes it gets too quiet
No chance for sex everyday (Not that I got that when I was with me ex either)
Nobody to snuggle with every night while sleeping
I have to bring stuff in by myself, nobody to help
I have to do all the cleaning myself
?
?
?
As you can see it's much harder for me to find bad things about my life right now, see I'm open to a relationship. I think the fact that I'm happy with my life and myself I'd make a great partner, but I'm really enjoying this living alone thing. It's nice to do what I want, when I want. So there you have it.

My new PT gig

2006-12-12T21:38:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone....

I just got a new PT job, and no it's not for the $ , all though there is nothing wrong with $ it's for the discount!!!

I just got a job at IKEA. Hip hip. So yeah I'm only working a day or two a week but it'll save me hundreds furnishing my place exactly how I want.

Hip hip, not to mention the extra $ will be for toys like a 36' LCD tv and....... The list is endless.

So wish me luck, I start training on Sat.

Been tagged....

2006-12-06T20:11:00.000-07:00

I was tagged by moonspells: I was told she tagged me because she was interested in what I'd write, I hope I don't disappoint.

"6 Weird Things About Me"

The rules are simple.
1. Each player of this game starts with the “6 weird things about you”.
2. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state this rule clearly.
3. At the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave a comment that says “you are tagged” in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

1) I was right handed until grade 3, when I decided I wanted to be different from everyone else and started writing with my left and now I'm ambidextrous.

2)I intend to have kids in the next 5 yrs with or without a man. (Not really weird more self assured) Hope this one didn't freak anyone out, not something I'm think about right now, but before I'm 35. So no worries.

3) If I'm eating a twix or another wafer type chocolate bar I eat the chocolate off it first, then the center. I also lick chips before eating them.

4)I have a net over my bed, I have this fantasy to have sex enclosed in a bed with drapes or netting, so when i got my own room it was one of the first things I put up.

5) I don't find this weird, but a lot of other people I know do... I'm one of the few people I know who have have completely unemotional sex with someone I know and have it not mess anything up.

6) I don't like raw tomatoes by themselves yet I'll eat them in things, even if they are in a sandwich. It's a texture thing.

Now who to tag.... I tag Barefoot mistress, Phain, Osbasso, Brandi, Lee Ann, and Midwestern City Boy

My weekend...

2006-12-02T12:22:00.000-07:00

So far this has been a really awesome weekend, and it's just Sat morning. It's really nice to actually get some stuff done before noon.

-See, I got a really awesome complement from a very new but very close friend, we were talking about our past relationships and what happened between Neil and I came up and he said without a second of hesitation "He had everything...why would he want to fuck it up like that?" It just felt really nice to hear that from another man.

- I did my very own car maintenance today, I cleaned out the battery posts as they had some corrosion. And a buddy of mine is going to get me some anti-corrosion spray so that I won't have to keep doing it.

- Tonight I'm having dinner with a good friend then going out dancing.

So yeah all in all it's making out to be a great weekend. Hip hip.

My new fave....

2006-11-28T21:27:00.000-07:00

Well, I've found a new fave show... 3 lbs.

I love the characters, yes I realize that all you die hard House fans will say it's a ripoff of that show. Yes, I do see that, but I still love the show. Not to mention there are some very doable people on it.

Every year there is a show or two that I latch on to watch through the winter, this year it's medical dramas like 3lbs and House. If you haven't seen either of them yet make sure you do.

As for my little update.... Life is going great, work is good, I love my new place, my best friend Rob and I have decided to take a weekend out to his cabin to go to a vineyard to put on some wine, and the only decisions we'll make are "Red or White?" and "What time should we go to the hot springs?", it'll be fabulous. I have some people in my life going through rough times but I'm here for them and love them all and if they ever need anything they know I'm here, so it feels good to be able to help others, especially since I'm finally strong enough to not need to cling to others. It's a good feeling. Well that's it for now, I'll be posting a very 'playful' HNT tomorrow so be sure to take a look.

I hope all of you are doing well,
Hugs and kisses,
Ev

Yes, yet another song...

2006-11-25T20:17:00.000-07:00

I heard this yesterday for the first time and it sorta reminds me of myself (especially the part about not being single for long)... Don't worry guys, not falling for anyone right now I'm enjoying being single and being able to play....tee hee

"Clumsy"
By Fergie
Along with a pic of the Oh So Doable miss Fergie herself

Can't help it
The girl can't help it [repeat 3x]

First time
That I saw your eyes
Boy you looked right through me, mmmhmm
Play it cool
But I knew you knew
That cupid hit me, mmm mmm

You got me trippin, stumbling, flippin, fumbling
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love
You got me slippin, tumbling, sinking, fumbling
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love
So in love with you

Can't help it
The girl can't help it [repeat 3x]

Can't breath
When you touch me, see
Butterflies so crazy, mmm mmm
Whoa now, think I'm goin down
Friends don't know whats with me, mmm mmm

You got me trippin, stumbling, flippin, fumbling
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love
You got me slippin, tumbling, sinking, fumbling
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love
So in love with you

Can't help it
The girl can't help it [repeat 3x]

You know, this isn't the first time this has happened to me
This love sick thing
I like serious relationships and a
A girl like me dont stay single for long
Cuz everytime a boyfriend and I break up
My world is crushed and I'm all alone
The love bug crawls right back up and bites me and I'm back

Can't help it
The girl can't help it [repeat 3x]

You got me trippin, stumbling, flippin, fumbling
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love
You got me slippin, tumbling, sinking, fumbling
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love
So in love with you

So in love with you
So in love with you

I recognize me again...

2006-11-24T22:40:00.000-07:00

Anyone who's gone through something life altering, shattering, devastating... will tell you that for a time there they don't feel like themselves and for me there has been quite a while where I didn't recognize the person looking back at me in the mirror. The image in my minds eye was nothing like what I actually looked like, I found I was hiding behind my weight and I'd darkened my hair so that I wouldn't be noticed as much...well...I recognize me again.

Before...... During....... NOW
Yay, I look like me again. Hip Hip!!!!

I promised and here it is....

2006-11-24T20:12:00.000-07:00

Here are pics of my place...

Then....

NOW.....

And one of Sheba making herself comfy on my bed...

What a single girl does on a night alone....

2006-11-24T20:08:00.000-07:00

I decided to fulfill a lot of women's fantasies and have a candlelit bath filled with rose petals...

A very good day

2006-11-21T16:34:00.000-07:00

I figured I should write a post about today as it was a very good day, seeing as I have one about my very bad day.
Well I had today off, we took it off to make up for Sat.

So today, I slept in and spent the day watching 24 (living life through the eyes of Jack Bower) and I went for a walk and baked cookies. Such a great day.

Also, I've recently met some really nice men and I have some dates lines up. I'm very excited. It's nice to feel desired like that... to have men meet me at events and just have to get to know me better. Tee hee. Also the best part of the way I've been meeting them is that it means that they are professionals, mostly higher ups. (I got a lot of flack for dating down) I hope that doesn't sound too shallow.... I'll keep you all posted.

Anyways, it's back to work tomorrow and then in the evening I have my masseuse coming over to give me a massage. It's nice to be able to call them to come to me rather than have to travel as that way I can be all relaxed at home. It's great. However, tomorrow night I'm supposed to be doing naughty pics of a Bettie Paige nature. I'll be sure to post one for my HNT.
Well I should be off.

Kisses, Ev

I'm over it....

2006-11-17T14:54:00.000-07:00

Well,

I'm over my hissy fit about Neil, I figured he's just not worth my worrying about. I have far too many new people in my life to worry about one guy who's going to be a jerk to me anyways.

He still wants to talk about the cat, yet he hangs up on me everytime I try to call about her, and then he leaves me long drawn out messages about how I'm a horrible person for not giving her to him. Well I'm sorry, but I'm not trying to please him anymore so I'm not about to bring her over there without negotiation, and without me being absolutly sure he can take care of her.

But other than that I've decided to move on with my life. If he really wants the cat he can call me as I'm not going to call or anything ever again, he's not worth it.

I will however be posting pics of my new place ASAP, I've just been busy, but soon.

Love you all,
XOXO Ev

GRRRRR

2006-11-13T14:40:00.000-07:00

The saga continues...

Here I thought things were over.

Today I decided to casually ask Brandi (my ex roomate) if my snowboard and boots were still around there as the other CM said I should just go get them as they're mine, well turns out they gave them away. Lovely, not a huge deal really, I guess my own damn fault for leaving them when I made my mad dash out of there a couple months ago.

Well, the thing that makes me gruble is that Neil decided to leave me a long winded message saying that it's over, "Well go fig!" I think when I moved my stuff out and started seeing other men, that clicked in my head. I don't want anything to do with him I just want him to stop calling people in my life and to give him his documents back. All the ones he left in my stuff. Not really much to ask.
I also have a strong feeling that he and Brandi are a couple as it's com to my attention that she gave him her cell phone when his got disconnected. Well I guess they deserve eachother.

He's still telling people I stole the cat; as far as I'm concerned the fact that all of her info and all of her paperwork has me listed as owner kinda says that she's mine, not to mention the fact that he wasn't always very nice to her.

I just wish it would all end.
Fuck you Neil!!!!!

Updates...

2006-11-08T11:49:00.000-07:00

Well,
I may or may not post an HNT tonight. I spent last night at an event with Calgary's elite and was probably up too late so, all I can say is that it was WAY too hard to get out of bed this morning and I'm seriously considering going back there. Not to mention CM and SR have gotten me seriously addicted to 24 so I've been spending way too much time watching that. You bad boys, you!!! I guess I should have known what I was getting into when SR was telling me how addictive it is. I guess it's my own fault.

Life is going ok, I'm considering disappearing for a bit just to maintain my focus. Maybe do a yoga retreat and some meditation. As life has been pretty crazy in the last few months and I'd love to sit in the absolute quiet and re-connect with my center.

Another thing I'd like to share is that I have finally found peace with Neil's affair. I had spent almost a year hating the woman he cheated on me with and hating him for doing it. However it was after reading an e-mail from her yesterday that I was able to close that chapter of my life. I think it was the acknowledgement of her role in my suffering over the last year that did it. She had also mentioned that she to was lied to by him and that she had also made the decision to cut all contact with him. I just want to publicly thank her for that letter, it really helped, gave me a lot of closure.
There is a small part of me that's sorta glad that it all happened as if all had ran smoothly or I hadn't found out I would have married him, inspite of all the badmouthing he did to me and all the crap he put me through. So this way I'm able to meet someone who really deserves me.
Also a side note to Neil: If you're reading this and I know you do, I hope you find happiness be it with our former roomie or someone new. After you figure your life out and spend some time without a woman you'll be able to see what you really want and then I wish you the best of luck finding it.

So, there's my update, not sure what else to say.
I hope everyone is happy and healthy.
Kisses, Ev

So happy....

2006-10-29T23:17:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to write a quick post to say how happy I am right now.
My life is in such a perfect place. I'm doing well finacially and work wise. I have my two wonderful kitties who are as happy as can be, they are playing together at this very moment.
I have lots of friends who love me, some of whom are even very bad influences and keep passing beers and that bottle of cheap wine/ fortified koolaid we found, into my hand at 2 am, but then insisted I sleep over as there is no possible way they would let me leave let alone drive (Chad!!!! You bastard for the bad influence but thanks for 'forcing' me to stay over, see I said after a while I'd come out my shell and start calling you names along with everyone else, tee hee).
I have a great home all to myself that is decorated just for me. I don't have to worry about anyone else.
I was even woken up this morning by a rather large basset hound licking my face. "Chester!!!Ewwww"
It's awesome to have friends that when I say "I'm moving" don't groan but instead ask me what time I want them over to help before I even ask.

It's really nice to be able to come home when I want and not have to call. Or bring home whoever I want and not have to wonder if your 'other half' will be awake or not.
I know this being alone thing won't last for much longer, but I'm enjoying it while I can.

So to all of you were were worried about me, don't be. I'm doing fantastic. I really hit the ground running. That's the kind of person I am, I never do anything half-assed. So I know there's proably a lot of people wondering how I got over my engagement so fast, well I didn't really see any point in dwelling on it and getting upset and stressed about it, I did enough crying when it was falling apart before so I had basically been going through the motions the last few months anyways so it's pretty easy to get over someone you said goodbye to almost a year earlyer. With that said. I'm vowing to not mention my ex again on here, it's not worth it. I've moved on, in more ways than I can share right now. Tee hee.

So I hope everyone out there is doing well, and to all those Calgarians reading this, doesn't this snow suck?!?!?!?!
Here's hoping you all have a nice warm bed to snuggle in to. Occupied or not, tee hee.
Kisses, Ev

Lippy HNT

2006-10-25T20:59:00.000-06:00

Well, I'm back.
This is an art project I'm doing to go up in my brand new bathroom. I'm decorating the whole place a little different, so these follow that. Hope you like.

What Greek Goddess are you...

2006-10-22T23:08:00.000-06:00

http://www.paleothea.com/quiz.html

This is what came up for me with the male version of the quiz...

Not quite sure what that says about me. Tee hee

Will it ever end?

2006-10-22T14:03:00.000-06:00

I had an oh so lovely conversation with my ex today. (Yes, Neil I know you're reading this, as you made it very clear and you've been reading my blog and you think I've misrepresented you)

When will the fighting with him ever end?
I called him today and as always we got into a fight and called me petty and accused of cheating on him. For the record I have NEVER cheated on anyone, not even a kiss and have no intention of starting.
I've decided to swallow my pride and go pick up my $ and such that he owes me. It just bugs me so much that he would have the nerve to accuse me of going out and cheating on him. Especially with someone I only saw on a regular basis AFTER he broke it off with me, before that I only saw this guy for coffee once every 3 months or so, and that's all it was, coffee, and it was during work hours too, not even a chance to actually do anything. Needless to say he was very respectfull of me being in a relationship and wouldn't even think of crossing that line.

Yes, I'm still very angry at Neil, but not angry enough to do what he says I was doing.

It's actually kinda ironic, I had a long conversation the other night with a close friend's brother who is currently going through a divorce and from talking to him I've come to see that not being with Neil really is for the best, we were really in different places. To be quite blunt I prefered to go to a play and he prefered to go to a movie. Neither is better or worse than the other, just different.

I just wish all of this will end. I want to be done with it all.
Help.

Cocoon

2006-10-21T16:00:00.000-06:00

Cocoon
- Jack Johnson

Based on your smile
I'm betting all of this might be over soon
but youre bound to win
because if I'm betting against you, I think I'd rather lose

but this is all that I have, so please
take whats left of this heart, and use
please use only what you really need
you know I only have so little, so please
mend your broken heart and leave

I know its not your style
and I can tell by the way that you move its real real soon
but I'm on your side
and I dont want to be your regret, I'd rather be your cocoon

but this is all that you have, so please
let me take whats left of your heart, and I will use
I swear I'll use only what I need
I know you only have so little, so please
let me mend my broken heart

you said this was all you have
and its all I need
but blah blah blah
because it fell apart
I guess its all you knew
and all I had
but now we have
only confused hearts
I guess all we have
is really all we need

so please
lets take these broken hearts, and use
lets use only what we really need
you know we only have so little, so please
take these broken hearts and leave

Something I hadn't expected

2006-10-21T08:24:00.000-06:00

Hi everyone,

Well as life would have it I've come across something I'm not 100% sure how to deal with. Neil's friends have started calling me to see how I'm doing. I guess that's something that happens when they see us as a unit and more often than not they would see me as the one woman in their lives they could ask girl advice and flirt with without fear of getting smacked. I'm just really not sure what to say to them. I have yet to call anyone back, I prefer to let messages stack up until I know what to say.
- Do I start from the begining and tell them about the affair? After all there were some people who actually met this woman. (Just a little FYI, I will never say her name on her as she's a quite well known blogger, especially within the HNT circle and as much as I want to string her up by her toenails, she deserves more respect than for me to badmouth her on here)

- I guess the biggest question is, do I tell his guy friends the comment he made that made it so that I'd finally had enough? you know the 'I only proposed...' comment.

See I'm pretty sure his friends saw us the same way my friends saw us, so i'm worried that if I share all the crap that lead to our demise than he will lose all his friends and I don't want to do that to him. Afterall there are already enough people on my side who have said very clearly that they had better not run into him in a dark alley amd I'm not looking to recruit more.

So if anyone has any insight, let me know. My original play was to not have any contact with those who still have contact with him, but I'd never intended them to call me.

Let me know,
Evalee

SNOW

2006-10-16T08:12:00.000-06:00

I awoke this morning to the the city covered in a blanket of white snow. UGGGG I hope it goes away soon as I have to move in a couple of weeks and really don't want to be doing it in the snow.

Don't worry

2006-10-14T18:34:00.000-06:00

Thanks for the comments guys, don't worry I still love men very much I just need to find the right ones.
But thank you.

Moving on up....

2006-10-08T11:44:00.000-06:00

Hey everyone,

Now for a VERY HAPPY, VERY EXCITED post!!!!!

I got my very first full page, full colour ad in the Calgary Herald!!!!! For those of you who don't live in Calgary it's our largest circulating daily paper. And to top it off it's on the back page of the front section. So the best possible place. And I designed it!!!

Ironically I think I'm more excited than when I used to actually write for the paper. For those of you who don't know I was actually a lifestyles journalist for another daily here in Calgary in my former life before I decided to go into advertising. I had a regular column in the Calgary Sun.

So needless to say my new job is going swimmingly.

The second part of my news is that I'm moving to my own apartment very soon. I've found a place, put down the deposit and just need to move in. I think I might be moving in the next few days as it'll be a great way for me to start everything anew. I'll post pics after I get settled so it might be a few weeks.

It's just so nice to be changing so many things. New place, new job, I'm going to leave my car with my parents as I'll be living near transit, so I'll have more $, potentially new guy....?, tee hee. I'm not telling. All I can say is stay posted as there's some big exciting stuff in the works. Dun dun dun...what pretell could it be? lol You'll just have to wait and see.

Well I'm late for yoga, so I'll chat with you all later.
Kisses, Ev

Thoughts and revelations

2006-10-06T00:02:00.000-06:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking this last week.
I still have a lot of anger and hurt in my heart, but because I'm wanting to begin a new chapter in my life I want to heal my heart and cut through the anger and become a more loving, caring person.
I've found that writing my pain down on here for the world to see has been really theraputic for me. It must be the fact that I spent many years as a professional journalist, I'm used to the world reading my inner thoughts. I think it's also the closeness I feel to those who read my blog and the love I feel when you share your stories with me.

I've decided to write a list of the things that have caused me anger and pain in the last year in an attempt to free them from my keeping...

- When he cheated on me
- When they both tried to hide it from me
- When it was all said and done and I'd delt with it he told her I was still keeping him from talking to her, when I had actually become so numb that I didn't care
- When I realised that he misses the cat more than me
- When he stopped wanting to make love to me and would rather be with our other partner
- When he expected me to support him finacially
- When he'd try to convince me I was mentally ill as a way to explain my being oppinionated and emotional
- When he told me his family all hated me

And the one thing I did to free myself.... Move out while he was at work the day after he told me he only proposed to make her jelous.
I deserve so much more. I deserve to be free. I'm getting there. I'm a strong woman.

Also due to the overwhelming response from my HNT, i thought I'd post more pics of me with long hair. Enjoy.

A toast!

2006-09-30T23:02:00.000-06:00

I've wanted to write something to one very special person in my life. He's helped me weather this rough storm and has made me laugh when all I could think to do was cry. Through scrabble and cappucinos he's always been there when I needed a shoulder to cry on. So in a way well suited to him eventhough he doesn't like a lot of attention, here's a toast to you C.

Here's to someone who never turned their back on me,
to a man who would risk it all if he thought it would help,
someone who spent many a late night listening to my tearful woes, Yet never complained or asked me to stop.
I thought I'd lost you years ago, but fate has brought us back together and helped us firm up a friendship that will never end.
Through engagements and heatbreaks here's to a man who's never given up, may I be as good to you as you have been to me.
Here, here.

I did it!!!

2006-09-30T12:37:00.000-06:00

Well, I did it.

I moved out.

Yesterday after another fight with Neil, I decided enough was enough and when he went to work I packed up all my things and the cats and moved out. It feels kinda strange. I still have a couple more boxes to get but I'm doing that on Monday. Don't worry I didn't leave anything I'd be heartbroken if I never saw it again.
I think the real clincher was when Neil told me the real reason he asked me to marry him, not because he loved me but to make someone jelous. Great eh? Oh well. On to bigger and better things.

I just wish I could find my ring, it mysteriously went missing the day before he broke it off. After all I was the one who paid for it, so I would like it back.

Other than all that things are going ok in my world, feels a little odd to not be around him but that'll get easyier. After all this way I don't have to deal with any of his gross habits (burping, farting, swearing, cigarette butts everywhere) hip hip.

So for those of you who keep coming back to check up on me, thank you. I am doing ok, everyday is a little better than the last.

Here's to brighter days ahead.
Kisses, Ev.

Thank you

2006-09-25T15:49:00.000-06:00

Thank you to everyone who has wished me well,
thank you to everyone who has shared their pain,
thank you for your words
thank you for your thoughts
and thank you for your love.

Everyone who's left all these wonderfully supportive coments, I just wanted to say a giant THANK YOU. You've all helped me realise that I'm not alone and that it might take time but I will eventually pick up all my peices and become something better than I was to begin with. You are all very special, beautiful people and I love you all very much and if you ever need anything let me know. I could never turn my back on someone who opened their hearts to me in my time of need.

Kisses Ev

Tearfull thoughts

2006-09-22T18:20:00.000-06:00

Sometimes life falls into place so nicely that you don't notice any of the potential bumps and accidents that could have happened along the way.
Then there are the other times...
As of late my life has been one giant car wreck. Here, I'd thought, "you know we made it through the worst it could ever possibly be" then what happens, well, for those of you who've been reading, you know what happened.
For some reason it all really hit me about an hour ago, I feel like I woke up and saw that what I thought was a giant nightmare that could be overcome, was really my life. I don't want to be in this moment. I want to either rewind to when Neil and I were happy and in love or fast forward to when I won't feel this pain. I feel like a glass jar full of marbles that has just been dropped on the floor and has shattered into ten million peices all over the room. My heart is so broken right at this moment.
Neil asked me the other day why I hadn't started going through my things and packing stuff up. I told him I didn't want to be rushed and I'd been busy, but really it's because I wanted to delay this feeling. Having to sort through all of the things that represent memories both good and bad and deciding what I want to remember is far too hard. I shouldn't have to choose.
I hate the thought that I will never have my little familly with him, yes we might have families with others but the one that we had planned will never be.
I hate when people say "it's for the best" or "That would have been a huge mistake", It's really none of their business, we are put here to make mistakes, to fall and learn. Who knows sometimes the things that "would have been a huge mistake" actually would have been the best possible thing that could have ever happened.

Not sure what to do with myself

2006-09-22T14:03:00.000-06:00

Well,
here's the skituation...I gave my notice to the job I'd been at for the last year and because I'm going to a competitor, (same department with another non-profit) they saw it as a conflict of interest and have decided to pay me out so I couldn't take any contacts lists ect. It's pretty standard.
The only thing is I don't know what to do with myself for my time off with pay. I think it'll probably involve a lot of sleeping in, maybe some drinking and probably quite a few late movie nights.
So if anyone has suggestions let me know. tee hee.

Kisses Ev

Dancing in the kitchen in the crisp autumn air

2006-09-11T15:13:00.000-06:00

I just wanted to write a little note to mention how I've totally fallen for the music of Jack Johnson. It's so mellow and positive.
Makes me feel really good.
You can't help but smile when listening to one of his CDs.
It was someone very near and dear to my heart who introduced me to this very talented musician.
I now have memories of dancing around on the tile in the kitchen with all the windows open so the crisp air comes flowing in to "better together" by Jack Johnson

there's no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard
no song that i could sing
but i can try for your heart
our dreams and they are made out of real things
like a shoebox of photographs
with sepiatone loving
love is the answer
at least for most of the questions in my heart
like why are we here
and where do we go
and how come we're so hard
it's not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving
i'll tell you one thing its always better when we're together

its always better when we're together
we'll look at them stars when we're together

and all of these moments
just might find there way into my dreams tonight
but i know that they'll be gone
when the morning light sings
and brings new things
but tomorrow night you see
that theyll be gone too
too many things i have to do
but if all of these dreams might find their way
into my day to day scene
i'll be under the impression
i was somewhere in between
with only twojust me and you
not so many things we got to door places we got to be
we'll sit beneath the mango tree

i believe in memories
they look so
so pretty when i sleep
hey now, and when i wake up
you look so pretty sleeping next to me
but there is not enough time
and there is no song i could sing
and there is no combination of words i could say
but i will still tell you one thing
we're better together

Thank you for that memory C, you made me oh so happy.

Thanks

2006-09-09T21:25:00.000-06:00

I just wanted to write a quick post to thank everyone who has sent me well wishes. I really appreciate it. It's really helped to hear all the kind words you all have to say.
I'm taking everything one day at a time.

Thank you

Taking back this blog

2006-09-08T08:32:00.000-06:00

Well I figure I owe everyone a small explanation of the strangeness that has been present in our lives.

See, last weekend Neil all of a sudden came to the idea that he wasn't ready to get married, this being only a couple days after him suggesting we go on a trip together ect. So needless to say kinda a shock. Part of me thinks this is a good idea as I really want him to be 100% sure before we jump into something like marriage, then there's the other part of me that's really wondering why there's such a sudden change. When telling friends that even saw us together on Friday they were compleatly taken aback as they saw the way he was lovingly looking at me, then on Tuesday he drops this bomb. Seems a little odd.

Well I'm taking every thing one day at a time and trying to hold together my sanity the best I can.
So for all of you who were counting down the days with us, you can stop as it might never be.

Lack of posts

2006-09-05T18:35:00.000-06:00

Something has happened in our little world that might stop us from making any posts for a while. Please be patient as it'll all be better soon.

Interactive HNT

2006-08-30T21:41:00.000-06:00

We decided for this week we'd pick a body part that we loved on the others and post those. Our challenge to you HNT fans is to pick your favorite. Don't worry we won't be offended by what you choose.
The results will be posted Thursday night.

Both Neil and Brandi love my golden hair that matches my eyes almost perfectly as well as my little earing on the top of my left ear.

Brandi and I are both extremly jelous of Neil's long eyelashes. We also thought we'd show off his piercing.

Neil and I both love to kiss the back of Brandi's neck as it makes her giggle and squirm, so this was the body part we picked for her. I also lover her long dark hair.

So cast your votes and let us know what you like best and why. Be sure to come back to see the results.

Symbols of love

2006-08-30T10:29:00.000-06:00

The closer we get to our wedding day, the more I realize how much I love him.

Love Calculator

2006-08-30T10:19:00.000-06:00

Good thing it came out good or we would have had to call off the wedding...tee hee.

Poor kitty

2006-08-30T09:57:00.000-06:00

Our poor little kitty Sheba had a little accident and somehow broke off one of her claws. She only seems to be in pain when we touch it and clean it. Other than that she's walking normally, and the swelling that was there yesterday is gone compleatly today. I just feel so bad for the poor little thing, I can only imagine how much it'd hurt if that happened to me.

Rainy fun

2006-08-10T21:40:00.000-06:00

The rain came pouring down at about 7 pm tonight, Neil was asleep on the couch as he came down with a fever and a bout of the flu this evening so Brandi and I decided that we would take advantage of the rain and our eagerness to be in photos. So after saran wrapping the camera and putting on portions of halloween costumes (not sure why, but this made sense at the time) we headed out for an impromptu photo shoot. With several eyes peeking out of closed windows nearby here's what happened.

After all was said and done we were soaking wet and giggly. I must say living with this girl has really been a blast.

Has anyone seen this?

2006-08-04T14:32:00.000-06:00

Has anyone out there seen the website "Players and Psychos"?
It's a website devoted to ratting out your exes for cheating on you or becoming psychos. Of course my first thoughts when hearing about this site were "I hope I'm not on it" not that I've ever cheated on anyone nor would I ever, but when I was younger I did some crazy revenge stuff , then after reading it I was like "hmmmm, I know some people I could warn others about" Of course I didn't, I'm not that kind of person and I think everyone will get theirs at some point as Karma has a way of biteing us in the ass when we do something we shouldn't, but it's an interesting place to visit if you have some websurfing time.

http://playersandpsychos.com/

HNT #14...If we were cartoons

2006-06-21T19:03:00.000-06:00