Mixed emotions

Hi,

I've decided to blog about this because I don't know how else to get it out. I feel really bad when I start crying to friends and family so I figure here I can at least get all my feelings out and if somebody reads it great, if nobody does that's fine too.

As I said in my last post, my mother is dying of cancer. She has now taken a turn for the worst and is really weak and we're not sure how much longer she has left. Her liver is filled with tumours and the disease has begun to break her brittle bones, leaving her with a cane and unable to walk up and down stairs with any proficiency. She's still in her own home but has help that comes regularly.

Now here's the crazy thing. A month after my last post we found out we're expecting. We were given a 5% lifetime chance of ever getting pregnant again and that became a reality then. So in a couple short months this little boy who is kicking away in my belly will be born.

We don't know if my mom will live long enough to meet her only grandson. I know she desperately wants to hold him and see him grow, and so she continues the chemo that is leaving her exhausted and feeling miserable.

This has become such a hard time for my family and I. It's supposed to be so happy. We beat the odds. We're having the baby we never thought we would. But on the other hand we're losing someone we love to such an awful and horrific disease. Then there's the fact that Miss Maggie is going to take it really hard. She loves her grandma so much and she's also so excited about her baby brother.

I cry a lot over this.

If anyone is reading this. Please say a prayer for our family that the two of them will be able to meet and that my mom will be able to hold her grandson.

The big C and all that that means

Hi,

Over Christmas we found out that my mother is dying from Cancer. At that point they gave her about a year.

It SUCKS. It REALLY REALLY SUCKS.

She has stage 4 esophageal cancer. So basically a tumour where her esophagus meets her stomach, it's so big that it was making swallowing next to impossible. It has now spread to her liver, lymph nodes and bone. We finally found out when after months of her doctor dismissing her very rapid weight loss and inability to keep anything down as nothing, we took her to the hospital where they found the tumours. She now has a feeding tube, has gained a bit of weight. She's back over 100lbs, YAY!

It's been really hard talking to Maggie about the whole thing. How do you prepare a 3 year old for the death of someone they love?

The thing that has been so hard for me is that my mom still drives me crazy, then I feel guilty for feeling that way. I know she's not going to become someone I get along with really well just because she's dying, I'm just not able to forgive myself for feeling frustrated with her.

We took her to Tofino and Vancouver BC this past week. My sister rented a house in Ucluelet for the Easter long weekend and we all spent Easter Sunday on the beach playing in the sand. It was bittersweet as this was the first time Maggie had ever seen/played in the ocean and it would probably be the last time my mother would get to.

I really wish there was a time machine. I want to go back to when Maggie was just born. Everyone was so happy then. My dad was still alive, we hadn't lost our baby boy, my mother and my uncle's cancers hadn't been found, we didn't know about any of our fertility issues and the resulting debt. It was a great time. I just want to go back.

Some nights I just sit up and cry because it's all just too much.

If I cry in front of Maggie she very sweetly wipes my face and says "I want you to be happy mommy". That of course makes it feel so much worse. How much has this little soul gone through in the last 3 years. My little empath who feels EVERYTHING. I want to be happy too Maggie.

I just want to go back.

I keep thinking that things have to get better. The pendulum has to swing back eventually. I just pray it's sooner rather than later, I don't know how much more I can bear.

E

ugg

Sometimes I get so frustrated with my mother.

Ever since my dad passed away she relies on us for everything. That would be fine if she gave us warning about when she'd need me to change my plans to run for her, but she calls a couple hours before she needs me and expects me to drop everything to drive her somewhere. Then lays on the guilt until I can't say no without feeling like a giant jerk.

Now I have to tell my daughter once again that mommy has to break her promise to take her swimming/to the zoo/ insert activity she's been looking forward to here, because grandma needs me to drive her at the exact time we were supposed to go.

Not even sure what to do with this situation, I don't want Maggie to think that mommy never follows through, but I also don't know how to get my mother to understand.

Just a little venting today. Sorry.

E

Crying

                    By Madison Violet

no poetry
no fire
no telling you're tired
no litter
no gold no growing old

it's not a bad world brother
it's not a bad world

crying your eyes out
it's all about crying your eyes out
cry on me now
cry on me now

no shepherd
no shame
no pictures to frame
no fix
no glory
no telling your story

it's not a bad world brother
it's not a bad world
now that you're gone
i hope you get a chance
to sit down with god
i hope you get a chance
to question the man in cloth

it's not a bad world brother
it's not a bad world

A break? Please...

Our poor little family has been through way too much this past month. Make it 30 days rather than an actual calendar month and it gets worse.

Hubby was in a minor car accident with Maggie in the car, hubby lost his keys including the very expensive one to replace for my car, I had a second very very early miscarriage ( chemical pregnancy) in 6 months, we had a banking issue which has since caused all of the money we deposited in the last two weeks to be held for two weeks, I didn't get the promotion I was promised, we had issues with listing our apartment for sale so it'll have to wait till December,  which will mean no rent while it's on the market and to top it all off we've all been sick with a horrible cold all in the space of the last 30 days. So yeah. I'm exhausted.

I was telling hubby today that I don't care so much about when our family will get a break, more just when bad things will stop happening. I thought they were supposed to happen in 3's, not 7's. I'm starting to feel so pessimistic, like if I hope for anything it'll turn bad somehow.  This of course has led me into a bit of depression. I used to be someone for whom things just came easy and I had faith that things would workout somehow, because they always did. I almost always got the job and if I didn't there was a better one that came right behind it, I was often lucky in other areas as well. Heck we even got pregnant with Maggie super easy, then we weren't even trying for the next one. I however feel that since we lost him our luck has changed. It's almost like I used up all my luck in the first 30 years of my life and I now have to pay it back over the next 30.

Not sure where I'm heading from here, I feel like I'm treading water, I just hope and pray a life preserver plucks me out soon.

Really universe?

Two years ago today and tomorrow I was in the hospital having a D&C after losing our little boy. It was a two day procedure because of how far along I was. It was the hardest two days ever.

Today I feel like the universe is playing a cruel joke. All day I had a feeling that Something bad would happen to Maggie and on the way home Roo and her were in a car accident. It was really minor, nothing more than a fender bender.

The emotions came flooding back, the fragility of life and how hard it would be if I were to lose miss Maggie, it would be too much to bear.

I mentioned this to hubby and we decided maybe next year on this day we should just stay in bed and make the day go away, to which he of course joked that the house would probably burn down just because we wanted to avoid it.

So here's hoping tomorrow goes better than today and my heart can heal a little more everyday.

Thankful

We recently had Thanksgiving here in Canada. This day of course always brings to mind all the things we're thankful for, so in the spirit of the season here's my list:


1) Maggie; She's the light of my life, makes me smile everyday
2) Roo; I really couldn't have asked for a better husband
3) The roof over our heads
4) the simple fact that we have a full fridge and freezer
5) my mother and in laws; I'm thankful that it feels like I have three parents instead of just one
And the list goes on...

I could probably go on for another 20 or 30 items at least, I really have a lot to be thankful for. So I'd just like to thank the universe for all the wonderful blessings in my life.

Going back to the start

It's been a rough day/week/month... Heck life.
I have "the scientist" by Coldplay running through my head today. Particularly the part about nobody said it was easy... Nobody said it would be so hard. Oh take me back to the start.

Things are getting too hard, too many regrets are pileing up,I find myself unable to sleep because of all the shoulda' woulda' coulda' s, but of course that doesn't change anything it doesn't rewind time.

One regret I have is giving up writing on this blog. I did because I felt I couldn't be me anymore, like I couldn't say what was actually on my mind. Well screw that. I need an outlet right now and starting a new blog would just be silly,  this blog is my history, my life's work if you will. It's seen me through so much that I couldn't just leave it out there to do nothing. So I'm trying to go back to the start.

The biggest thing that has been weighing on me is that as of late hubby and I have been suffering from secondary infertility. Yeah, it sucks. We got pregnant so easily the first and second time and now out of the blue we can't. We tried a couple iui's, no go. We even fundraised to do an IVF cycle and my body didn't respond to the drugs. So I'm left sitting here saying "what the heck?". I feel like God ( if he even exists) is playing a terribly cruel joke on us. To lose my father, then to have a bit of hope when we found out I was pregnant while he was in hospice only to have it dashed when we discovered there was a problem with our baby, and now to give us this obstacle. It's a cruel cruel joke, and I'm so done.
I hate to admit that some days having my daughter is the only thing that keeps me whole and prevents me from becoming a ball of mush on the floor somewhere. The fact that she needs a mommy who is consistent and shows her how special she is and how much love she deserves.
I just really want another chance, I really want to be pregnant again, to give my daughter a baby brother or sister. I feel like I'm being punished for something and I don't know how to apologize. My hope is by writing this down and sending it out to the universe that maybe the powers that be will have a heart and answer my prayers. Maybe I'll get another chance.

Oh, take me back to the start.

Feeling blue

Well,

This past week has been an interesting one. Miss M has decided that she needs to squeal every time she doesn't get her way. I'm sure it'll pass, it always does, she does something for a week or so then realizes it doesn't make us give in and then she stops. Life with a almost 2 year old I guess.

The biggest thing, and the thing that's making me feel a tad sad is that yesterday was the due date for the baby I lost. If you'd asked hubby when he was due, he'd have no idea as we've both learned from Miss M that due dates are only to calculate gestational age not the date they'll make their appearance. So needless to say this weekend was spent thinking about a lot of "what if's"; What if he'd been born? What would he be like? Who would he look like?

This is made all that much harder by the fact that we've been unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant for a few months. I unfortunately have a former friend who would probably hear that and be thrilled. I say former because she'd once made the comment to me that I shouldn't be so upset about loosing a baby because I already have one. Yeah because children are like sweaters, it doesn't matter if you loose one because you have another one. BS.

Another thing that's driving me crazy is a relative of mine is having a baby and for whatever reason everything to do with her child has been overlapping with our loss. We found out she was pregnant the day I had to have my surgery to remove the 'remains' if you will, the baby is also a boy, the baby shower is the day after the hospital memorial service to bury his ashes.

I really don't know if I can go to the shower. How can I go and be happy about a baby boy the day after I grieve and lay mine to rest. I don't know.

Lie has been a struggle lately, somedays I feel like I'm barely treading water.

May the spring bring rejuvenation to our lives.

E

Forgiveness

During this holiday season we are often reminded of the importance to be nice to one another and do good things for each other.

It starts when we are very young with the oh so common comment of "Be good or Santa won't get you any presents this year" and there is always the parental pushing of "Go say you're sorry, and make sure you mean it".

There however is no equivalent as adults, we are never really told to go make nice with those we've wronged, and for all of us who've grown up and learned about the magic of Santa, there's really no threat there.

So why apologize? Why atone for the wrongs we've done? And why bother to forgive those who've wronged us, with or without an apology?

For the Jewish, Yom Kippur, the most holy of all days is just that, a day of atonement. I for one know that I'd love to have a day when all of my sins and regrets from the last year could be forgiven. I however am not of the Jewish faith so it'd be cheating.

So instead I must atone the old fashioned way, by asking for forgiveness and giving it to others when asked.

What however are you to do when you're not the one who needs to do the asking and the question never seems to come?

Gandhi once said: “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

So I'm left forgiving and trying to mend fences despite the fact that I have every right to be angry especially when the silence should be filled with words of atonement.

What of those who say 'I can forgive, but will never forget', how is that really forgiving?

Forgiving is saying I was hurt but am prepared to move forward. To truly forgive, the past has to stay in the past. Thus the forgive but never forget comment is basically implying that one will never forgive.

All I can say is that I'd love to get the apologies I feel I deserve, but I'm not expecting anything. I have already forgiven, I have already moved on.

After all Martin Luther King, Jr. once wrote :“He who is devoid of the power to forgive, is devoid of the power to love.” and I want to be able to love.

Happy Holidays,

E

Concerts and Condo fees...

Hubby and I were finally able to go on a date last night, it had been far too long. I guess that's one of those things that happens when you're old and married. LOL We went to the John Butler concert. Oh my, it was so much fun. However, there where times when I did feel old, as the average age at the concert was about 21.

It was interesting because we've seen John Butler before but it was before we were married when we were just dating and I was living in my apartment just outside of the university campus, however the concert was in the same venue. So the whole night I kept remembering things that happened the last time we were there. What a blast from the past.

The concert was awesome. The opening act was really great too, someone I hadn't heard of before, so that was cool. It's always nice to hear new artists.

The whole night just helped me appreciate what a wonderful hubby and best friend I have and how great our marriage is. It's so nice to just have a date night.

.....

For those of you who live in condo townhouses, especially ones with individual front doors had garages, do you ever feel odd just walking past the person working really hard shovelling your driveway?

I mean they're working up a sweat trying to get the snow and ice off of it and so you kinda feel bad, but on the other hand, it's their job and you pay good money to have them do the work. I came home for my lunch break and there was someone cleaning my driveway. I was grateful, especially since my car is usually parked on the driveway so they rarely get to the snow under it, and being as hubby took my vehicle to go pick up the munchkin from babysitting, they were finally able to get to it. So I said hello and went inside. They were gone when I left 20 minutes later but I wondered about the situation.

I guess I'm just one of those people. Just like when I lived alone and had a cleaning lady who would come in once every two weeks. It was fine when I was working in an office because I wasn't there to see her, I'd just leave the money and she had a key, but when I worked from home I always felt I had to go out when she was there, otherwise I'd feel like I needed to help her clean.

I wonder why we feel that way? Is it a sign of our empathy? The fact that we feel if we were in their situation we'd want the help or is a bit of misplaced guilt. The idea that we could be doing the job they are but aren't. On the other hand by not helping or doing the job ourselves we are providing for their livelihood. After all, when seeing a construction crew building your house, in most cases it wouldn't be wise to offer to help.

E

People...

Sometimes people drive me crazy.

When people tell other's things while trying to keep things secret from other people. Seriously, if you tell someone, it's probably not going to be a secret for long. Especially if they have alliances with others that are a lot closer than those to you.

We have all these secrets going around at work lately, some you could flat out call backbiting. My stance when it comes to all cases where I genuinely care or like the person either being talked about or having the secret kept from them is to tell them. I really don't like people not knowing what's going on behind their back, especially when it's someone they work closely with that's doing the talking.

As I have said to my boss after hearing a lot of this and talking to him about it, 'I don't know what people were saying about me the week I took off after I lost the baby', he of course assured me that the second they knew why I was away they are all very sensitive, but you never know what people say when the boss isn't standing there.

I also really hate when people meddle in other's business. What they decide to do or not do in their lives is their choice not yours so don't talk about them in a way that slags them. The best thing to do if you don't accept their choices is to just move on and not talk about it with everyone. They obviously made the choice they made, not you. So get over it. Like seriously who cares what job the boss did before this one. His job doesn't define him as a person.

So yes, there has been a lot going on, but as of late I've been standing strong as Switzerland.

Wish me luck, and if you have something you want kept secret from others, don't tell me as I have no problem telling them.

E

A sigh of relief... Finally

This weekend has brought some respite for our little family.

On Friday night we got a tenant. It's one of my bosses. She was in the market for a new apartment to rent and I had happened to mention the place to my other boss and he called her immediately and after a few short days poof, we have a tenant. Giant relief for me, that's for sure. She moves in Jan 1st, so we'll see how that works for Christmas, but it's a little less stress.

Yesterday I went winter baby clothes shopping with my mother. It's surprising, well not really, how willing grandparents are to rush out and get clothes for their grandkids as soon as you mention that you might not be able to get the next size up and their pants are getting too short. So now we have a whole wardrobe for our little miss. On the upside she's one of those rare kids who wears the same size for at least 6 months. To put it in perspective, she's 17 months next week and just now starting to outgrow her 6-12 month clothes. If it was summer she'd be in them for a little longer as it's her arms and legs that are getting too long and so it wouldn't be nearly as noticeable in short sleeves and shorts. So now she has a whole bunch of new pants and sweaters and fleece, even a fancy new snowsuit. What a lucky little girl.

Well, I must be off to work. I work the early shift. I grumble about it, but really I'm done early and it goes by fast, so it's not too bad.

Kisses,

E

When it rains it pours

So, it would seem that life has thrown us yet another curveball. Our tenants on our rental property have given their notice. So when we would have gotten a rent cheque just before Christmas we now won't.

This has left me in a bit of a state, yes I understand they have every right to move out, it's just the timing that sucks oh so much. So I'm really not sure how we'll afford Christmas this year. One day at a time right?

I'm really not sure how much more of this I can take.

At one point in my life I was quite religious, I had tons of faith. I can say this year, I've really lost it. I'm at the point right now where if there is a divine being, God, capital G or otherwise, I'd really like to kick him in the shins. This year has REALLY sucked. I can honestly say I'm thinking there must not be a divine being because how can someone be so cruel. There has been far too many deaths and losses in my life this year.

I just really really hope 2011 will be better.

E

Unfortunate turn of events

Well, life has been a tad crazy as of late.

Just over two weeks ago at about 18 weeks we lost our little baby boy. It's been a tough time and we're taking it one day at a time. But we'll get through and we're starting to look to the future. So all will be well. It's been really nice already having a little one, as this way it's not hard to see people with babies or anything.

It also turns out that I've turned into the "Work Mom" at my part time job. See I've recently started to work evenings and weekends at a coffee shop and in the past couple weeks the other girls have started to come to me for advice, to act as their confidant, etc. It's really quite a compliment. Not to mention my boss has started to ask my opinion on things and talk to me to vent about things that only us over 23 yr olds get, ie Kids up all night, not being able to go out partying after work. We're really starting to develop a friendship.

On another note, it would seem I have a bit of a online follower, that, as far as I'm concerned, is starting to border on cyber stalking. I really hate when people feel the need to get involved/draw attention to other's lives and past choices when it really isn't their place. Yes, I have put stuff online, and yes I know that all can see what I put online. That is a choice I have made, with eyes wide open none the less. I know I make different choices than others, but that's the beauty of being an individual, I get to do what I want to do, not what someone else wants to do, and yes my hubby knows all about my past, we don't have any secrets, heck he was even a reader of my blog before we were married.

I'll just end this post with a quote from Bob Marley as I feel it says it all:

"Who are you to judge the life I live?
I know I'm not perfect
-and I don't live to be-
but before you start pointing fingers...
make sure your hands are clean!"
— Bob Marley

Kisses,

E