Really universe?

Two years ago today and tomorrow I was in the hospital having a D&C after losing our little boy. It was a two day procedure because of how far along I was. It was the hardest two days ever.

Today I feel like the universe is playing a cruel joke. All day I had a feeling that Something bad would happen to Maggie and on the way home Roo and her were in a car accident. It was really minor, nothing more than a fender bender.

The emotions came flooding back, the fragility of life and how hard it would be if I were to lose miss Maggie, it would be too much to bear.

I mentioned this to hubby and we decided maybe next year on this day we should just stay in bed and make the day go away, to which he of course joked that the house would probably burn down just because we wanted to avoid it.

So here's hoping tomorrow goes better than today and my heart can heal a little more everyday.

Thankful

We recently had Thanksgiving here in Canada. This day of course always brings to mind all the things we're thankful for, so in the spirit of the season here's my list:


1) Maggie; She's the light of my life, makes me smile everyday
2) Roo; I really couldn't have asked for a better husband
3) The roof over our heads
4) the simple fact that we have a full fridge and freezer
5) my mother and in laws; I'm thankful that it feels like I have three parents instead of just one
And the list goes on...

I could probably go on for another 20 or 30 items at least, I really have a lot to be thankful for. So I'd just like to thank the universe for all the wonderful blessings in my life.

Going back to the start

It's been a rough day/week/month... Heck life.
I have "the scientist" by Coldplay running through my head today. Particularly the part about nobody said it was easy... Nobody said it would be so hard. Oh take me back to the start.

Things are getting too hard, too many regrets are pileing up,I find myself unable to sleep because of all the shoulda' woulda' coulda' s, but of course that doesn't change anything it doesn't rewind time.

One regret I have is giving up writing on this blog. I did because I felt I couldn't be me anymore, like I couldn't say what was actually on my mind. Well screw that. I need an outlet right now and starting a new blog would just be silly,  this blog is my history, my life's work if you will. It's seen me through so much that I couldn't just leave it out there to do nothing. So I'm trying to go back to the start.

The biggest thing that has been weighing on me is that as of late hubby and I have been suffering from secondary infertility. Yeah, it sucks. We got pregnant so easily the first and second time and now out of the blue we can't. We tried a couple iui's, no go. We even fundraised to do an IVF cycle and my body didn't respond to the drugs. So I'm left sitting here saying "what the heck?". I feel like God ( if he even exists) is playing a terribly cruel joke on us. To lose my father, then to have a bit of hope when we found out I was pregnant while he was in hospice only to have it dashed when we discovered there was a problem with our baby, and now to give us this obstacle. It's a cruel cruel joke, and I'm so done.
I hate to admit that some days having my daughter is the only thing that keeps me whole and prevents me from becoming a ball of mush on the floor somewhere. The fact that she needs a mommy who is consistent and shows her how special she is and how much love she deserves.
I just really want another chance, I really want to be pregnant again, to give my daughter a baby brother or sister. I feel like I'm being punished for something and I don't know how to apologize. My hope is by writing this down and sending it out to the universe that maybe the powers that be will have a heart and answer my prayers. Maybe I'll get another chance.

Oh, take me back to the start.

Feeling blue

Well,

This past week has been an interesting one. Miss M has decided that she needs to squeal every time she doesn't get her way. I'm sure it'll pass, it always does, she does something for a week or so then realizes it doesn't make us give in and then she stops. Life with a almost 2 year old I guess.

The biggest thing, and the thing that's making me feel a tad sad is that yesterday was the due date for the baby I lost. If you'd asked hubby when he was due, he'd have no idea as we've both learned from Miss M that due dates are only to calculate gestational age not the date they'll make their appearance. So needless to say this weekend was spent thinking about a lot of "what if's"; What if he'd been born? What would he be like? Who would he look like?

This is made all that much harder by the fact that we've been unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant for a few months. I unfortunately have a former friend who would probably hear that and be thrilled. I say former because she'd once made the comment to me that I shouldn't be so upset about loosing a baby because I already have one. Yeah because children are like sweaters, it doesn't matter if you loose one because you have another one. BS.

Another thing that's driving me crazy is a relative of mine is having a baby and for whatever reason everything to do with her child has been overlapping with our loss. We found out she was pregnant the day I had to have my surgery to remove the 'remains' if you will, the baby is also a boy, the baby shower is the day after the hospital memorial service to bury his ashes.

I really don't know if I can go to the shower. How can I go and be happy about a baby boy the day after I grieve and lay mine to rest. I don't know.

Lie has been a struggle lately, somedays I feel like I'm barely treading water.

May the spring bring rejuvenation to our lives.

E

Forgiveness

During this holiday season we are often reminded of the importance to be nice to one another and do good things for each other.

It starts when we are very young with the oh so common comment of "Be good or Santa won't get you any presents this year" and there is always the parental pushing of "Go say you're sorry, and make sure you mean it".

There however is no equivalent as adults, we are never really told to go make nice with those we've wronged, and for all of us who've grown up and learned about the magic of Santa, there's really no threat there.

So why apologize? Why atone for the wrongs we've done? And why bother to forgive those who've wronged us, with or without an apology?

For the Jewish, Yom Kippur, the most holy of all days is just that, a day of atonement. I for one know that I'd love to have a day when all of my sins and regrets from the last year could be forgiven. I however am not of the Jewish faith so it'd be cheating.

So instead I must atone the old fashioned way, by asking for forgiveness and giving it to others when asked.

What however are you to do when you're not the one who needs to do the asking and the question never seems to come?

Gandhi once said: “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

So I'm left forgiving and trying to mend fences despite the fact that I have every right to be angry especially when the silence should be filled with words of atonement.

What of those who say 'I can forgive, but will never forget', how is that really forgiving?

Forgiving is saying I was hurt but am prepared to move forward. To truly forgive, the past has to stay in the past. Thus the forgive but never forget comment is basically implying that one will never forgive.

All I can say is that I'd love to get the apologies I feel I deserve, but I'm not expecting anything. I have already forgiven, I have already moved on.

After all Martin Luther King, Jr. once wrote :“He who is devoid of the power to forgive, is devoid of the power to love.” and I want to be able to love.

Happy Holidays,

E

Concerts and Condo fees...

Hubby and I were finally able to go on a date last night, it had been far too long. I guess that's one of those things that happens when you're old and married. LOL We went to the John Butler concert. Oh my, it was so much fun. However, there where times when I did feel old, as the average age at the concert was about 21.

It was interesting because we've seen John Butler before but it was before we were married when we were just dating and I was living in my apartment just outside of the university campus, however the concert was in the same venue. So the whole night I kept remembering things that happened the last time we were there. What a blast from the past.

The concert was awesome. The opening act was really great too, someone I hadn't heard of before, so that was cool. It's always nice to hear new artists.

The whole night just helped me appreciate what a wonderful hubby and best friend I have and how great our marriage is. It's so nice to just have a date night.

.....

For those of you who live in condo townhouses, especially ones with individual front doors had garages, do you ever feel odd just walking past the person working really hard shovelling your driveway?

I mean they're working up a sweat trying to get the snow and ice off of it and so you kinda feel bad, but on the other hand, it's their job and you pay good money to have them do the work. I came home for my lunch break and there was someone cleaning my driveway. I was grateful, especially since my car is usually parked on the driveway so they rarely get to the snow under it, and being as hubby took my vehicle to go pick up the munchkin from babysitting, they were finally able to get to it. So I said hello and went inside. They were gone when I left 20 minutes later but I wondered about the situation.

I guess I'm just one of those people. Just like when I lived alone and had a cleaning lady who would come in once every two weeks. It was fine when I was working in an office because I wasn't there to see her, I'd just leave the money and she had a key, but when I worked from home I always felt I had to go out when she was there, otherwise I'd feel like I needed to help her clean.

I wonder why we feel that way? Is it a sign of our empathy? The fact that we feel if we were in their situation we'd want the help or is a bit of misplaced guilt. The idea that we could be doing the job they are but aren't. On the other hand by not helping or doing the job ourselves we are providing for their livelihood. After all, when seeing a construction crew building your house, in most cases it wouldn't be wise to offer to help.

E

People...

Sometimes people drive me crazy.

When people tell other's things while trying to keep things secret from other people. Seriously, if you tell someone, it's probably not going to be a secret for long. Especially if they have alliances with others that are a lot closer than those to you.

We have all these secrets going around at work lately, some you could flat out call backbiting. My stance when it comes to all cases where I genuinely care or like the person either being talked about or having the secret kept from them is to tell them. I really don't like people not knowing what's going on behind their back, especially when it's someone they work closely with that's doing the talking.

As I have said to my boss after hearing a lot of this and talking to him about it, 'I don't know what people were saying about me the week I took off after I lost the baby', he of course assured me that the second they knew why I was away they are all very sensitive, but you never know what people say when the boss isn't standing there.

I also really hate when people meddle in other's business. What they decide to do or not do in their lives is their choice not yours so don't talk about them in a way that slags them. The best thing to do if you don't accept their choices is to just move on and not talk about it with everyone. They obviously made the choice they made, not you. So get over it. Like seriously who cares what job the boss did before this one. His job doesn't define him as a person.

So yes, there has been a lot going on, but as of late I've been standing strong as Switzerland.

Wish me luck, and if you have something you want kept secret from others, don't tell me as I have no problem telling them.

E

A sigh of relief... Finally

This weekend has brought some respite for our little family.

On Friday night we got a tenant. It's one of my bosses. She was in the market for a new apartment to rent and I had happened to mention the place to my other boss and he called her immediately and after a few short days poof, we have a tenant. Giant relief for me, that's for sure. She moves in Jan 1st, so we'll see how that works for Christmas, but it's a little less stress.

Yesterday I went winter baby clothes shopping with my mother. It's surprising, well not really, how willing grandparents are to rush out and get clothes for their grandkids as soon as you mention that you might not be able to get the next size up and their pants are getting too short. So now we have a whole wardrobe for our little miss. On the upside she's one of those rare kids who wears the same size for at least 6 months. To put it in perspective, she's 17 months next week and just now starting to outgrow her 6-12 month clothes. If it was summer she'd be in them for a little longer as it's her arms and legs that are getting too long and so it wouldn't be nearly as noticeable in short sleeves and shorts. So now she has a whole bunch of new pants and sweaters and fleece, even a fancy new snowsuit. What a lucky little girl.

Well, I must be off to work. I work the early shift. I grumble about it, but really I'm done early and it goes by fast, so it's not too bad.

Kisses,

E

When it rains it pours

So, it would seem that life has thrown us yet another curveball. Our tenants on our rental property have given their notice. So when we would have gotten a rent cheque just before Christmas we now won't.

This has left me in a bit of a state, yes I understand they have every right to move out, it's just the timing that sucks oh so much. So I'm really not sure how we'll afford Christmas this year. One day at a time right?

I'm really not sure how much more of this I can take.

At one point in my life I was quite religious, I had tons of faith. I can say this year, I've really lost it. I'm at the point right now where if there is a divine being, God, capital G or otherwise, I'd really like to kick him in the shins. This year has REALLY sucked. I can honestly say I'm thinking there must not be a divine being because how can someone be so cruel. There has been far too many deaths and losses in my life this year.

I just really really hope 2011 will be better.

E

Unfortunate turn of events

Well, life has been a tad crazy as of late.

Just over two weeks ago at about 18 weeks we lost our little baby boy. It's been a tough time and we're taking it one day at a time. But we'll get through and we're starting to look to the future. So all will be well. It's been really nice already having a little one, as this way it's not hard to see people with babies or anything.

It also turns out that I've turned into the "Work Mom" at my part time job. See I've recently started to work evenings and weekends at a coffee shop and in the past couple weeks the other girls have started to come to me for advice, to act as their confidant, etc. It's really quite a compliment. Not to mention my boss has started to ask my opinion on things and talk to me to vent about things that only us over 23 yr olds get, ie Kids up all night, not being able to go out partying after work. We're really starting to develop a friendship.

On another note, it would seem I have a bit of a online follower, that, as far as I'm concerned, is starting to border on cyber stalking. I really hate when people feel the need to get involved/draw attention to other's lives and past choices when it really isn't their place. Yes, I have put stuff online, and yes I know that all can see what I put online. That is a choice I have made, with eyes wide open none the less. I know I make different choices than others, but that's the beauty of being an individual, I get to do what I want to do, not what someone else wants to do, and yes my hubby knows all about my past, we don't have any secrets, heck he was even a reader of my blog before we were married.

I'll just end this post with a quote from Bob Marley as I feel it says it all:

"Who are you to judge the life I live?
I know I'm not perfect
-and I don't live to be-
but before you start pointing fingers...
make sure your hands are clean!"
— Bob Marley

Kisses,

E

Back to the finger pricking

Well it would seem that I have diabetes again with this pregnancy just like I did with Maggie.

I've forgiven myself for it because all the new literature makes it very clear that if you have a family history of diabetes you'll more than likely get it no matter what your lifestyle. I've just been lucky enough to only have issues when I'm pregnant so far. Oh well.

In other news Maggie walked 3 steps yesterday. I know it's not tons but it's definitely a start. Way to go Miss Maggie.

He's wishing everyone a happy and healthy Tuesday.

E

...

Well today was a mix of frustration and delight.

First off Miss Maggie took some real first steps, not the accidental 'oh no, I'm falling I need to move my feet' type. It was her walking towards me. What an amazing feeling. I'm pretty sure by the end of the week she'll be walking on her own.

I've also been frustrated with some people and some situations in my life as of late, some of it got resolved today, other bits will take a lot more work and some things I feel as if I've been forced to bite my tongue and grin and bear it. It's so frustrating knowing things will never change. Mostly because I can't make people apologize for being who they really are. As really how fair is that. I know I would be pissed if somebody asked me to say I was sorry for who I was. Oh well, I feel things are at the bottom and you can only go up from here. So it WILL get better.

But other than that today was pretty good, went to the Zoo, made a lasagna with my mom, and watched miss Maggie take her first steps.

Hope everyone else is having a good time on this ride called life.

E

I'm back

Well I've decided to come back.

I'm sorry I took such a long break, shortly after I made my last post I received a very nasty email from THE ex. Those of you who are long time readers will know who I'm talking about. He said some very cruel things about my pregnancy and as such I knew he had been reading this site and quite frankly I didn't want him to know any more about that wonderful magical time. So I left. I am sorry. I hope you'll all forgive.

I now have a 14 month old beautiful little girl named Maggie. She is the light of my life. She also causes me the most frustration. I'm sure anyone who has kids knows exactly what I mean. You love them so much that they sometimes frustrate you to no end. I'm also currently 10 weeks pregnant with number 2. This one came as quite a surprise as recently my father passed away after suffering a stroke earlier in the year so needless to say we were VERY stressed. We did end up finding out about the pregnancy while my father was in the hospice and with those that I did share the news with it was a very welcome bit of good news during the storm of bad.

I've decided to come back because I'm starting to feel once again that I need an outlet, a place where I can share my feeling and all the crazy happenings in my life right now. I remembered how much I loved writing this blog and how it provided me with so much release. So because of that I'm going to start it up again. The passing of my dad has been very hard on me. He was my hero, the smartest man I knew. I remember as a little girl if I ever had a question I would go and kneel beside his bed and ask. He ALWAYS knew the answer. With his passing I feel I've lost a huge part of my identity.

It's always so humbling to see someone you care so much about wither away in front of you. I'm reminded of a line from the Gilmore girls when Richard Gilmore had his heart attack Lorelai said he looked small laying there. I really know that feeling. To see the man I idolized be reduced to someone who couldn't even feed himself and had to be introduced to my husband because he didn't know who he was.

The thing that helped me be strong is that he always loved seeing Maggie. Even the day he had his stroke he wanted her to sit on his bed so that he could tickle her feet. I'm glad I have so many good memories to tell her.

His service was held on a beautiful saturday in August. The thing that touched me the most was that he had worked as a commissionaire at a police station for about 6 months before his stroke, so hardly a lifetime, but there were at least 10 police officers who came to the service in full uniform. Also everyone at the station had sent a giant bouquet of flowers not only when he got sick but also to the service, and they also took up a collection to get him a dvd player for the hospital and $ for my mom. It meant so much to us. I hope they know just how much it meant. It was so nice to hear them talk about how great my dad was. I will hold that with me forever.

So my life is starting to go back together. Piece by piece, eventually I'll make a whole again. I'm hoping this will help.

Sending love, love, love.

E

26 weeks

Wow, I am SOO behind in posting. It's funny how time goes by so quickly sometimes.

This month has been a bit of a nightmare, mostly work related stress. I tend to come home either in tears or just so exhausted that I just sleep. I know this isn't good for me or the baby, so I'm going to talk to my Dr about going on stress leave until she's born then start my Maternity leave. This will work the best for me and hubby as with him being a teacher, he's off all summer so the later I can start my maternity leave the better as he'll be able to be a babysitter when I go back to work.

Just yesterday I also found out I have gestational diabetes. Yippee. Oh well, not the end of the world. Also, this way I'll probably get to see ultrasounds of the baby far more often. The hardest part I have to say was the day I found out. My first thoughts were: OMG, did I eat anything I shouldn't? And What will I eat for lunch? After doing some reading it is getting a lot easier. Also I have a meeting with the gestational diabetes clinic tomorrow when I will get a whole lot more info and will learn to test my blood sugar.

Other than that things are going well, the baby feels like she's doing Riverdance in my belly. I'm half expecting her to come out in a little outfit with plaid socks.

But things are going well, here's hoping the next couple weeks work out well also.

Best wishes to all, and babydust to anyone who needs it.
E

21 weeks

Sorry for not writing last week. Life has been a bit of a whirlwind.

I'm starting to get really frustrated with how my work is starting to take things off my plate. I totally understand where they're coming from and why they're doing it, but it still sucks. All of a sudden I'm not in the loop with new things as I'll be here for only 3 more months tops, that is if there are no complications. And even though I know why it's happening and I do sorta foresee some complications as my blood pressure is already a bit high and my blood sugar is causing them to do the Diabetes tests early and often, it still sucks.

Other thing that's bothering me is the fact that my assistant is going to be taking over my position while I'm on Mat leave and I know full well that she's not ready. I think my boss is convinced that it'd be too hard to find someone new despite the fact that there are now more people than jobs. The main reason I think she isn't ready is it takes her 2 days to do something I do in an afternoon and she's already struggling with the amount of work I give her and I give her a quarter of what I do and she won't have an assistant. Oh well, not my decision. I'd just love to be a fly on the wall for her first month or two.

But on the upside, hubby is whisking me away for a week next week to get some much needed R&R, and when I get back it's only 13 more weeks till Mat leave, then 17 more weeks till baby.
Hip hip, so it all works out as it should.

Lots of love.
E

19 weeks

Hi everyone,

Well this was a very stressful week for me at work, but thankfully I got through it and it's the weekend.

As far as baby stuff. We had our ultrasound this week. It was so nice to see her again and see that she has a really strong heartbeat of 157. Very reassuring.

So funny thing, most of her measured 18 weeks 6 days, which was dead on, but somehow our little girl has long legs. Something neither my husband or I posses. Mind you we both have members of our families who were gifted with the gams, but neither of us. So her legs came in at 20 weeks, also when you look at the ultrasound, not that it means anything at this point, but she might have some full lips too. So maybe hubby should start practicing with the shotgun now. lol

But all is well. We're taking off this weekend to stay with some friends in Invermere and we just decided that we're going to take off for spring break as well and hear out to Vancouver as we both need some time away.

So I hope all is well with everyone else and I'll keep you all posted. I have my first obstetrician appointment next week so it should be good.

Love ya,

E

18 weeks

Hi all,

Sorry for not posting last week, it wasn't intentional I was just busy with work and such.

Today is a bit of an off day. I felt a little ill yesterday and today I have a bit of eye strain. The biggest problem is that I'm doing what I always seem to do and worry like you would not believe about little Maggie in the few days before I have an ultrasound scheduled.

I'm sure it's mostly because I've been busy today and probably rocked her to sleep. I think I might also be freaking out because over the weekend there was a evening when I was really able to feel her moving around and doing sommersaults and today I'm not feeling that. Be it that she's not as active or maybe in a different position, who knows. Regardless I'm going to be laying down and waiting for her to move pretty much as soon as I finish typing this.

On a lighter note, I went to my first pre-natal yoga class last night. I was great to meet other women in all different stages of pregnancy and see what I can expect. It was also just nice to be able to move and be in tune with my body again like that. I really enjoyed the class.

So I hope everyone is doing well and I'll keep you posted on the Ultrasound on Monday.

Evalee

16 weeks

Hi everyone,

Well, I'm now 16 weeks along. I'm getting a total baby bump, I'd almost say more of a baby balloon.
We've come to terms with the test results and talked to the genetic counselor and are basically OK with whatever happens as we'll love her no matter what.

A very cool thing happened this weekend, I've found that if I put my hand on my tummy and lightly press down she seems to kick back at me. It's very gentle and almost feels as if someone is lightly tapping you, but definitely there. Very cool.

So our little family is doing great, we have an ultrasound in a few weeks where we get to see her again, and this time she'll look more like our little girl. I'm so excited.

Hope everyone is doing great.
Love ya,
E

15 weeks

Well we got the results. They're bitter sweet.

It's a little girl. But she partially inherited a gene that could potentially cause her to have learning issues. 

So needless to say I'm devastated. I've been crying on and off since we got the news.

We'll of course love her no matter what. But there's just that moment when you realize that your perfect little baby may not be so perfect after all. 

The gene she partially inherited is Fragile X, I say partially because what has happened is that she got one totally normal X from my husband but then got a bad X from me, now in most cases if the bad X is going to expand and cause an issue it does it in all the areas where it's present, however in my little girl, in some areas this X has stayed the smaller so a pre-mutation and in other areas it's expanded. So she's what is referred to as mosaic, it's quite rare and there isn't a lot of info on mosaic girls, be that because they don't show symptoms of the disorder or because it doesn't happen often is yet to be seen. 

I feel so much guilt for passing this on to my little girl. In some ways I actually feel as if I've already been a bad mother to her. 

The silver lining of all this is that in regular full mutation females they only show symptoms 50% of the time, then in the ones that do 50% of them are normal intellectually and only have mild learning disabilities such as a difficulty with math, then the others are somewhere between mild to moderate, so they may need special classes. We meet with the genetic counselor on Friday to find out more but she kinda hinted on the phone that girls in this situation are almost never mentally retarded, as it was only a partial expansion. So we wait to talk to her and then wait to see what happens.

I really don't know what to do with myself, I can't stop crying and worrying that if she does need special help that I won't be able to do a good enough job for her. I realize it's a unrealistic fear as both my husband and his mother have adamantly pointed out that the fact that I even ask the question means that I'll be good.

My husband on the other hand keeps insisting that he's fine with the worst case scenario and so  he's just thrilled to be having a daughter. He even went out last night and bought a cake to celebrate naming her.

I am just so scared that she'll be worse than anyone expected and then he'll change his mind or I'll change my mind and it'll end our marriage. Silly I know, but it's a concern.

I think I'm going to start seeing a psychologist so I can get all of these emotions under control before she's born so I won't have to worry about post partum depression.

So that's where things are at, we got the results but we still don't know the answers.

BTW, her name is going to be Margaret (Maggie) Emma, it's both of our great grandmother's names together. Mines was Emma and his was Margaret. We like it. And yes no matter what we'll still love her with all our hearts. 

Almost 14 weeks

Sorry, for not posting for the last little bit. Things have been a tad stressful.

See, on the 15th we had a CVS done on the baby. It's genetic test where they take a bit of the placenta and test the DNA for genetic disorders. This is unfortunately the big test for us. If it goes bad, then there is a serious problem with the baby.
So needless to say, I'm stressed out. I get that there's between a 14 - 25% chance that there's anything wrong and that's really low, but it's still a chance. As such, I've been very emotional and as an unfortunate side effect I've been resisting the urge to bond with the baby, just in case.

The worst part is that my sister in-law is also pregnant and she's 19 weeks, so everything is all fine and happy with them. I just really resent it, and I really hate going to see them right now knowing full well that there is a 14 - 25% chance that our baby will have a problem that will make it so that it won't survive.

So for the next week and a half we just wait for the results. Wait and cross our fingers. If anyone is reading this, can you please cross your fingers for us too. Maybe the more people hoping for us will help our case with the powers that be.