Tuesday, April 05, 2011

Feeling blue


This past week has been an interesting one. Miss M has decided that she needs to squeal every time she doesn't get her way. I'm sure it'll pass, it always does, she does something for a week or so then realizes it doesn't make us give in and then she stops. Life with a almost 2 year old I guess.
The biggest thing, and the thing that's making me feel a tad sad is that yesterday was the due date for the baby I lost. If you'd asked hubby when he was due, he'd have no idea as we've both learned from Miss M that due dates are only to calculate gestational age not the date they'll make their appearance. So needless to say this weekend was spent thinking about a lot of "what if's"; What if he'd been born? What would he be like? Who would he look like?
This is made all that much harder by the fact that we've been unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant for a few months. I unfortunately have a former friend who would probably hear that and be thrilled. I say former because she'd once made the comment to me that I shouldn't be so upset about loosing a baby because I already have one. Yeah because children are like sweaters, it doesn't matter if you loose one because you have another one. BS.

Another thing that's driving me crazy is a relative of mine is having a baby and for whatever reason everything to do with her child has been overlapping with our loss. We found out she was pregnant the day I had to have my surgery to remove the 'remains' if you will, the baby is also a boy, the baby shower is the day after the hospital memorial service to bury his ashes.
I really don't know if I can go to the shower. How can I go and be happy about a baby boy the day after I grieve and lay mine to rest. I don't know.

Lie has been a struggle lately, somedays I feel like I'm barely treading water.
May the spring bring rejuvenation to our lives.