Monday, November 19, 2012


Sometimes I get so frustrated with my mother.

Ever since my dad passed away she relies on us for everything. That would be fine if she gave us warning about when she'd need me to change my plans to run for her, but she calls a couple hours before she needs me and expects me to drop everything to drive her somewhere. Then lays on the guilt until I can't say no without feeling like a giant jerk.

Now I have to tell my daughter once again that mommy has to break her promise to take her swimming/to the zoo/ insert activity she's been looking forward to here, because grandma needs me to drive her at the exact time we were supposed to go.

Not even sure what to do with this situation, I don't want Maggie to think that mommy never follows through, but I also don't know how to get my mother to understand.

Just a little venting today. Sorry.


Friday, November 16, 2012

                    By Madison Violet
no poetry
no fire
no telling you're tired
no litter
no gold no growing old
it's not a bad world brother
it's not a bad world
crying your eyes out
it's all about crying your eyes out
cry on me now
cry on me now
no shepherd
no shame
no pictures to frame
no fix
no glory
no telling your story
it's not a bad world brother
it's not a bad world
now that you're gone
i hope you get a chance
to sit down with god
i hope you get a chance
to question the man in cloth
it's not a bad world brother
it's not a bad world

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

A break? Please...

Our poor little family has been through way too much this past month. Make it 30 days rather than an actual calendar month and it gets worse.

Hubby was in a minor car accident with Maggie in the car, hubby lost his keys including the very expensive one to replace for my car, I had a second very very early miscarriage ( chemical pregnancy) in 6 months, we had a banking issue which has since caused all of the money we deposited in the last two weeks to be held for two weeks, I didn't get the promotion I was promised, we had issues with listing our apartment for sale so it'll have to wait till December,  which will mean no rent while it's on the market and to top it all off we've all been sick with a horrible cold all in the space of the last 30 days. So yeah. I'm exhausted.

I was telling hubby today that I don't care so much about when our family will get a break, more just when bad things will stop happening. I thought they were supposed to happen in 3's, not 7's. I'm starting to feel so pessimistic, like if I hope for anything it'll turn bad somehow.  This of course has led me into a bit of depression. I used to be someone for whom things just came easy and I had faith that things would workout somehow, because they always did. I almost always got the job and if I didn't there was a better one that came right behind it, I was often lucky in other areas as well. Heck we even got pregnant with Maggie super easy, then we weren't even trying for the next one. I however feel that since we lost him our luck has changed. It's almost like I used up all my luck in the first 30 years of my life and I now have to pay it back over the next 30.

Not sure where I'm heading from here, I feel like I'm treading water, I just hope and pray a life preserver plucks me out soon.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Really universe?

Two years ago today and tomorrow I was in the hospital having a D&C after losing our little boy. It was a two day procedure because of how far along I was. It was the hardest two days ever.

Today I feel like the universe is playing a cruel joke. All day I had a feeling that Something bad would happen to Maggie and on the way home Roo and her were in a car accident. It was really minor, nothing more than a fender bender.

The emotions came flooding back, the fragility of life and how hard it would be if I were to lose miss Maggie, it would be too much to bear.

I mentioned this to hubby and we decided maybe next year on this day we should just stay in bed and make the day go away, to which he of course joked that the house would probably burn down just because we wanted to avoid it.

So here's hoping tomorrow goes better than today and my heart can heal a little more everyday.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012


We recently had Thanksgiving here in Canada. This day of course always brings to mind all the things we're thankful for, so in the spirit of the season here's my list:

1) Maggie; She's the light of my life, makes me smile everyday
2) Roo; I really couldn't have asked for a better husband
3) The roof over our heads
4) the simple fact that we have a full fridge and freezer
5) my mother and in laws; I'm thankful that it feels like I have three parents instead of just one
And the list goes on...

I could probably go on for another 20 or 30 items at least, I really have a lot to be thankful for. So I'd just like to thank the universe for all the wonderful blessings in my life.

Wednesday, October 03, 2012

Going back to the start

It's been a rough day/week/month... Heck life.
I have "the scientist" by Coldplay running through my head today. Particularly the part about nobody said it was easy... Nobody said it would be so hard. Oh take me back to the start.

Things are getting too hard, too many regrets are pileing up,I find myself unable to sleep because of all the shoulda' woulda' coulda' s, but of course that doesn't change anything it doesn't rewind time.

One regret I have is giving up writing on this blog. I did because I felt I couldn't be me anymore, like I couldn't say what was actually on my mind. Well screw that. I need an outlet right now and starting a new blog would just be silly,  this blog is my history, my life's work if you will. It's seen me through so much that I couldn't just leave it out there to do nothing. So I'm trying to go back to the start.

The biggest thing that has been weighing on me is that as of late hubby and I have been suffering from secondary infertility. Yeah, it sucks. We got pregnant so easily the first and second time and now out of the blue we can't. We tried a couple iui's, no go. We even fundraised to do an IVF cycle and my body didn't respond to the drugs. So I'm left sitting here saying "what the heck?". I feel like God ( if he even exists) is playing a terribly cruel joke on us. To lose my father, then to have a bit of hope when we found out I was pregnant while he was in hospice only to have it dashed when we discovered there was a problem with our baby, and now to give us this obstacle. It's a cruel cruel joke, and I'm so done.
I hate to admit that some days having my daughter is the only thing that keeps me whole and prevents me from becoming a ball of mush on the floor somewhere. The fact that she needs a mommy who is consistent and shows her how special she is and how much love she deserves.
I just really want another chance, I really want to be pregnant again, to give my daughter a baby brother or sister. I feel like I'm being punished for something and I don't know how to apologize. My hope is by writing this down and sending it out to the universe that maybe the powers that be will have a heart and answer my prayers. Maybe I'll get another chance.

Oh, take me back to the start.