Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Mixed emotions


I've decided to blog about this because I don't know how else to get it out. I feel really bad when I start crying to friends and family so I figure here I can at least get all my feelings out and if somebody reads it great, if nobody does that's fine too.

As I said in my last post, my mother is dying of cancer. She has now taken a turn for the worst and is really weak and we're not sure how much longer she has left. Her liver is filled with tumours and the disease has begun to break her brittle bones, leaving her with a cane and unable to walk up and down stairs with any proficiency. She's still in her own home but has help that comes regularly.

Now here's the crazy thing. A month after my last post we found out we're expecting. We were given a 5% lifetime chance of ever getting pregnant again and that became a reality then. So in a couple short months this little boy who is kicking away in my belly will be born.

We don't know if my mom will live long enough to meet her only grandson. I know she desperately wants to hold him and see him grow, and so she continues the chemo that is leaving her exhausted and feeling miserable.

This has become such a hard time for my family and I. It's supposed to be so happy. We beat the odds. We're having the baby we never thought we would. But on the other hand we're losing someone we love to such an awful and horrific disease. Then there's the fact that Miss Maggie is going to take it really hard. She loves her grandma so much and she's also so excited about her baby brother.

I cry a lot over this.

If anyone is reading this. Please say a prayer for our family that the two of them will be able to meet and that my mom will be able to hold her grandson.

Monday, April 08, 2013

The big C and all that that means


Over Christmas we found out that my mother is dying from Cancer. At that point they gave her about a year.


She has stage 4 esophageal cancer. So basically a tumour where her esophagus meets her stomach, it's so big that it was making swallowing next to impossible. It has now spread to her liver, lymph nodes and bone. We finally found out when after months of her doctor dismissing her very rapid weight loss and inability to keep anything down as nothing, we took her to the hospital where they found the tumours. She now has a feeding tube, has gained a bit of weight. She's back over 100lbs, YAY!

It's been really hard talking to Maggie about the whole thing. How do you prepare a 3 year old for the death of someone they love?

The thing that has been so hard for me is that my mom still drives me crazy, then I feel guilty for feeling that way. I know she's not going to become someone I get along with really well just because she's dying, I'm just not able to forgive myself for feeling frustrated with her.

We took her to Tofino and Vancouver BC this past week. My sister rented a house in Ucluelet for the Easter long weekend and we all spent Easter Sunday on the beach playing in the sand. It was bittersweet as this was the first time Maggie had ever seen/played in the ocean and it would probably be the last time my mother would get to.

I really wish there was a time machine. I want to go back to when Maggie was just born. Everyone was so happy then. My dad was still alive, we hadn't lost our baby boy, my mother and my uncle's cancers hadn't been found, we didn't know about any of our fertility issues and the resulting debt. It was a great time. I just want to go back.

Some nights I just sit up and cry because it's all just too much.

If I cry in front of Maggie she very sweetly wipes my face and says "I want you to be happy mommy". That of course makes it feel so much worse. How much has this little soul gone through in the last 3 years. My little empath who feels EVERYTHING. I want to be happy too Maggie.

I just want to go back.

I keep thinking that things have to get better. The pendulum has to swing back eventually. I just pray it's sooner rather than later, I don't know how much more I can bear.