After many calls unanswered and awkward e- mails I recently decided it was time I swallowed my pride and had a conversation with Neil (for those of you who don't know, he's my ex fiance). It seems EVERYTHING has changed for him. Don't worry guys I'm not being all sappy and thinking of getting back together with him.
I just have a really hard time blocking someone out of my life if they get up the courage to apologize for things that are almost unforgivable. Especially the person I'd at one time thought would be my one and only.
From time to time people build up the courage to change everything in their lives, be it they hit rock bottom or just get tired of feeling a certain way and they feel they need to atone for all the jerky things they had done. This was one of those conversations.
I know a lot of you read my posts over the last few months and get that I was at a point where I almost gave everything up and I've gotten to a point a few times where I just had to change everything. So, I understand to a certain extent when he says he just needed to change everything.
I don't want to go into too much detail about what happened as far as the steps that lead up to this point or how far he went when he hit rock bottom. (The lesson to be learned is if you live with someone as a 'roommate' and are sleeping with them it's really not a secret that can be kept for very long as emotions get thrown into the mix, especially if this was after they'd just lost the person they were supposed to spend their life with.) Those of you who are in the need to know about this situation already know everything so there's no point in re-hashing.
Let's just say that we were both sitting on the phone crying to each other, and for the first time in years I actually believed what he was saying about feeling sorry and trying to make things right with me. I also hate to admit it, but I actually felt a bit of sympathy for all the crap he went through after I moved out and over the last couple months. Don't worry, I just said a bit, not a lot.
He had made a point to me and to the other person involved that he didn't ask me to marry him to make anyone jealous but rather because he thought he had everything and I was a part of that. Those were the words I really needed to hear, I had spent so much time hating him for that.
He also said that he really wanted to make a big gesture to show me just how sorry he is. There's part of my that still wants that grand gesture, I still want to feel he went out of his way for me as I spent far too long ignoring his philandering and his anger issues. However, the fact that he's going the extra mile to make things better, no, not just the calling, he's actually in rehab and counseling, those make up for a lot of the crap I had to deal with.
Well, I just wanted you to all know that Neil is trying very hard to make things better. I know I've spent a lot of time griping but I think it's time I put that aside and recognize that he's trying to make a better life for himself and I hope you all do too.
He might not yet be one of the good guys, but I've come to see that he's gotten to be one of the not all bad guys.
Best of luck Neil.