Wednesday, October 03, 2012

Going back to the start

It's been a rough day/week/month... Heck life.
I have "the scientist" by Coldplay running through my head today. Particularly the part about nobody said it was easy... Nobody said it would be so hard. Oh take me back to the start.

Things are getting too hard, too many regrets are pileing up,I find myself unable to sleep because of all the shoulda' woulda' coulda' s, but of course that doesn't change anything it doesn't rewind time.

One regret I have is giving up writing on this blog. I did because I felt I couldn't be me anymore, like I couldn't say what was actually on my mind. Well screw that. I need an outlet right now and starting a new blog would just be silly,  this blog is my history, my life's work if you will. It's seen me through so much that I couldn't just leave it out there to do nothing. So I'm trying to go back to the start.

The biggest thing that has been weighing on me is that as of late hubby and I have been suffering from secondary infertility. Yeah, it sucks. We got pregnant so easily the first and second time and now out of the blue we can't. We tried a couple iui's, no go. We even fundraised to do an IVF cycle and my body didn't respond to the drugs. So I'm left sitting here saying "what the heck?". I feel like God ( if he even exists) is playing a terribly cruel joke on us. To lose my father, then to have a bit of hope when we found out I was pregnant while he was in hospice only to have it dashed when we discovered there was a problem with our baby, and now to give us this obstacle. It's a cruel cruel joke, and I'm so done.
I hate to admit that some days having my daughter is the only thing that keeps me whole and prevents me from becoming a ball of mush on the floor somewhere. The fact that she needs a mommy who is consistent and shows her how special she is and how much love she deserves.
I just really want another chance, I really want to be pregnant again, to give my daughter a baby brother or sister. I feel like I'm being punished for something and I don't know how to apologize. My hope is by writing this down and sending it out to the universe that maybe the powers that be will have a heart and answer my prayers. Maybe I'll get another chance.

Oh, take me back to the start.

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