Friday, September 22, 2006

Tearfull thoughts

Sometimes life falls into place so nicely that you don't notice any of the potential bumps and accidents that could have happened along the way.
Then there are the other times...
As of late my life has been one giant car wreck. Here, I'd thought, "you know we made it through the worst it could ever possibly be" then what happens, well, for those of you who've been reading, you know what happened.
For some reason it all really hit me about an hour ago, I feel like I woke up and saw that what I thought was a giant nightmare that could be overcome, was really my life. I don't want to be in this moment. I want to either rewind to when Neil and I were happy and in love or fast forward to when I won't feel this pain. I feel like a glass jar full of marbles that has just been dropped on the floor and has shattered into ten million peices all over the room. My heart is so broken right at this moment.
Neil asked me the other day why I hadn't started going through my things and packing stuff up. I told him I didn't want to be rushed and I'd been busy, but really it's because I wanted to delay this feeling. Having to sort through all of the things that represent memories both good and bad and deciding what I want to remember is far too hard. I shouldn't have to choose.
I hate the thought that I will never have my little familly with him, yes we might have families with others but the one that we had planned will never be.
I hate when people say "it's for the best" or "That would have been a huge mistake", It's really none of their business, we are put here to make mistakes, to fall and learn. Who knows sometimes the things that "would have been a huge mistake" actually would have been the best possible thing that could have ever happened.


Pink Lady said...

I feel so sad for you, because I'm going through something similar. My heart is so broken and so shattered and there are times when I do ok, but times when I just sit and sob. Hang in there. Not a whole lot of consolation, I know.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I went through the same thing. The best thing to do is to keep yourself occupied. I joined a gym, lost a bunch of weight and flaunted it in his face. Of course he wanted me back but by then I had gotten over it and moved on. i wish you the best of luck to you.

barefoot_mistress said...

I keep coming back to your blog to make sure you are ok. I feel so bad for you, and I know it is part of life.....
Perhaps if he wants you to go, he ought to go instead.....
When I was 20 I married my love....3 weeks later he told me that he wanted to be with me and someone else. Both of us....oh yeah, she had a man too, and two kids...why dont we all get one big house together he said? Then we'd all be happy.
(I am not making this up)
I put up with this girlfriend for 6 months, then I threw him out, when I was ready, like YOU said.
I was 20 years old, my life, my dreams, my reality shattered and I was all alone in a giant city.
The worst part was filling every second of my day, so I didnt have to think about him and the pain. I mean, I literally made sure I had work, exercise, activities until I dropped from exhaustion, otherwise, the pain was just too much.....
Little by little my new life blossomed. I am grateful that he was in my life, I am grateful that he is not in my life, I am grateful for all that he brought me, for it was not without gifts, this love. (and i dont mean diamonds)
I wish you healing and I know your new life will blossom into a beautiful wonderful thing.
That he is/was part of it, made you who you are today. That is all good.
I know I sound like an old bearded wise old fart, with long overgrown fignernails and a giant
Peace to you, sweet girl!